Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the entire world on my shoulders and that I've dropped it. I feel like I'm always letting people down. That I'm unreliable. That I've upset someone without meaning or wanting to. It's so hard...
But who do I let down more: everyone else or me?
I know that that sounds self-centered, but I get so caught up in pleasing everyone else that I forget about the person I have to live with until the day that I die. I don't want to upset my friends. I don't want to upset my family. I want to be what people expect of me.
I'm supposed to be self assured. I'm supposed to know exactly what I want out of life. I'm supposed to be dependable. I'm supposed to be a good student. A good big sister. A good friend. A strong shoulder to lean on. But am I any of these? Can I be all of these at once and still be able to go to sleep with myself at the end of the day?
I just feel like I'm not being the best that I can be. I'm second guessing what I want to be in life. I'm letting down my friends and family. I'm unsure of who I am and who I should be, want to be. I can't remember which way is up or how to take a few good steps forward without stumbling and falling. I just don't know any more.
All I feel like doing is curling up under the covers and pretending the world doesn't exist. I want to be back in pre-school when all that mattered was that you got to color with your favorite crayon and when snack time was. I want the answers to be easy.
Why aren't the questions ever easy to answer any more?
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