Introduction to Poetry Writing

So I've decided that I'm finally going to post the poems that I've written this semester on my blog. I've written four poems so far, and have one more to go for the semester. Hopefully you all find them at least interesting or maybe somewhat good. But if you don't, my feelings won't be hurt...


New York's Streets

I'm looking out on Forty-Seventh Street,
Where tourists mix with the New Yorker fleet:
Head down, they don't look up at anyone,
They wait at crosswalks, cross, and then they're gone.
The yellow cabs are weaving in and out.
They honk horns, flipping fingers, as they shout,
"Move Asshole!" at the startled, lost sightseers
Who want to find out where the theater is.
Above their heads a billboard, brightly green,
Shows a buff Tarzan swinging vine to vine.
And next to him pangs Puff Daddy's facade,
Wearing a velvet jumpsuit, selling Sean John.
He holds one fist raised high into the air,
Looks down on people sifting everywhere.
The travelers stop and stare, to catch a glimpse
Of skyscrapers that fade into the mist.
They snap their pictures to take back and share
With everyone they know who's not been there.
New Yorkers all push past, in hast for work,
Obstacles and hurdles just for the perk
Of living in the city that never sleeps -
Tourists - the reason for the streets upkeep.
nearby and to the right, a chocolate store,
Piled high with Kisses, Syrup, and S'mores.
The pyramids of chocolate bars invite
The wanderers, both young and old alike
To Willy Wonka's New York habitation
With sweets enough to fill Grand Central Station.
With every passing of the subway train,
The whole scene vibrates in the windowpane.


The Painted Garden

The fingers smear the paints in circles
Covering the page in reds
And blues and greens and purples - grown
Into five flower beds.

The index finger is now dragged down
In a vertical line of green
To start the first stalk of the four flowers -
A child's daisy scene.

And at the bottom of each stem,
It draws two leaf-like shapes
So quickly that they seem like pools
Of water a hard rain makes.

The fingers shape a yellow core,
Swirling in wobbly loops.
Then daisy's petals are outlined
By five uneven hoops.

Above the flowers a fingertip
Spirals and circles as
It blues in all the white except
The trails of cloudy gauze.

These are the two poems I've written so far that I've actually gotten around to editting. Enjoy!

Questions

"Somewhere, out there
Beneath the pale moon light
Someone's thinking of me
And loving me tonight.

Somewhere, out there
Someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another
In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know
How very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star.

And when the night wind starts to sing
I's lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping
Underneath the same big sky.

Somwhere, out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere, out there
Out where dreams come true."

Just trying to keep faith in karma, and the knowledge that there is someone for everyone. It just takes patience to find the right one. Will we know when it happens? What will tell us we're in the right place? Is it better to let love just happen? If soulmates exist, then the connection will be strong enough to bring together those who wait for the right time. But how do you know when's the right time? How will you know what your soulmate feels like if you have no other feeling to compare it to? What if you care for someone? Can they become your soulmate? If only there were a love handbook...how muc easier life would be.

Midterm Report

I keep asking myself why I decided to take 3 sciences classes this semester, and I have yet to find the answer. Although, I am slightly less stressed at this point than I was last week or even a month ago. Sure, I wish I was doing better tha I am, but I'm doing the best that I can. As a perfectionist, it's sometimes hard to accept the fact that "doing the best I can" is not the same thing as "perfect". I'm just trying really hard to stay positive in everything I do. You know, one of the best things for me to do would be to start each day stating something positive. I have so much to be thankful for, it's just a matter of not losing hope when the road gets a little bit rocky. I am in a place I love surounded by people who love me. I just have to remember this, and keep my head high even when it seems that life wants to drag me done. When the going gets rough, the tough get going. Hoo-rah!

Grades at the midpoint:
Analytical Chemistry: B
Analytical Chemistry Lab: A
Organic chemistry: B
Poetry Writing: B
Genetics: C (definitely working on this one)
Theme Housing Class: A?

Obviously there is much room for improvement, but for the midpoint of the semester, I can't complain about these grades. I just have to keep plugging away, and get through each day as it comes.

Blah...

I wish I knew what I was doing... I don't really have much more to say than that because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to act, to talk, to walk, to carry on if something goes wrong. To feel, to sing, to be anything but me. And even that gets in the way sometimes...to love, that is what I know the least about...to love.

Top 5 Themes

So it's been awhile since I last posted, and this post is really not going to be all that much. See, I had this strengths test thing that I had to take for one of my classes. The point of the test was to determine your top 5 "themes" or strengths. I'm just going to post my top 5 themes, and the descriptions for each tonight. Maybe some other day I'll go back to creating real post...

Includer: (formerly Inclusiveness) "Stretch the circle wider." This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Judgments can hurt a person's feelings. Why do that if you don't have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.

Discipline: Your world needs to be predictable. It needs to be ordered and planned. So you instinctively impose structure on your world. You set up routines. You focus on timelines and deadlines. You break long-term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently. You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need precision. Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control. The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control. Lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict. You must understand that not everyone feels your urge for predictability; they have other ways of getting things done. Likewise, you can help them understand and even appreciate your need for structure. Your dislike of surprises, your impatience with errors, your routines, and your detail orientation don't need to be misinterpreted as controlling behaviors that box people in. Rather, these behaviors can be understood as your instinctive method for maintaining your progress and your productivity in the face of life's many distractions.

Learner: You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered-this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences-yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the "getting there".

Responsibility: Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help-and they soon will-you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

Restorative: You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You may prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or you may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other themes and experiences. But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing-this machine, this technique, this person, this company-might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

So yeah, basically these themes really do describe who I am as a person. I am a perfectionist, and that's what I do best. Each of these themes leads to the overal perfectionsit package...go figure.

Boys, Boys, Boys...Oh, and Chemistry

So I'm not really sure just why I decided to take two chemistries this semster, but I am. I swear, if I can survive to the end it'll be a miracle. I just spent about 9 hours today doing nothing but chemistry. I swear, I think my brains started running out of my ears at about 3 PM. I'm not even sure how much of it is left up there as of right now.

Anyway, I'm sort of in a blah mood right now. I'm rediscovering for the umpteenth time that there are only about 10 datable guys here on campus. And those 10 guys get to share the God knows how many single girls there are here on campus. I know these guys love it. They get to pick whichever girl they want, but I'm tired of always feeling desperate. I'm also tired of seeing people I know who are getting married. The thing is, these people are my age. Most of me knows that I don't ned this right now, but the oher part of me is kind of jealous. I mean, why does it seem like it was so easy for these people to find their "soulmate" or whatever, but it always seems like it's an uphill battle with my feet tied together and no footholds along the way. I'm just tired of others finding it so easy. Why did Carolina have to have such bad odds for the girls?

So then what happens when you meet a 3S (sweet, single, and straight) guy? Do you suddenly have to compete with every other one of his groupies? It sucks royally. And then you have to worry about just what kind of person he is? I mean, go on to facebook, look at the guy's page and inevitably they have a secret. They drink too much. They pimp too much. They are petofiles and only date girls 5years younger than them. Without a doubt there is something to mar any dreams you might have had. Which is why I quit! I Quit! I Quit! I Quit! Blah...

I don't dream anymore. I don't have to strength to even fight anymore. I know they aren't going to come to me, so i'm not even going to worry about going to them. It's not like they're even going to care about me if I persue them. I mean, come on, as soon as I say that I'm a bio major and pre-med they run like they're being chased by a serial killer. Apparently, there is some unwritten code that smart girls shold not be dated. Why? Why? At least I can carry on a semi-intelligent coversation, but apparently those aren't in fashion either. Blah...

It's frustrating, especially when you're interested, and you know that the person you are interested in probably isn't interested back. Or if they are, they want something else...Bah...

School is in Session

I'm back at UNC now and starting my sophomore year. It's a little bit bittersweet because I'm so happy to be up here, but a tthe same time I know that I'm that much closer to being a senior and out of here. I don't want to think about it. I have so much that I feel like I need to be doing up here.

I have 15 credit hours I'm taking this semester. CHEM 241, CHEM 261, BIOL 202, ENGL 131, and PHYC 40A. I really like all of the profs that I've had so far. I love genetics; I actually think that I'm not going to mind organic all that much. I love, love, love my poetry writing class. I think that that will probably end up becoming my favorite class this semester. I love my prof for analytic, but I'm not so sure about the class itself. I know it's not going to be an easy course. I know that the lab will be time consuming, but I'll make it through. I think that this may end up being my hardest semester this year. i know I'll be taking more class hours next semester, but the classes will be mostly biology with only one chemistry class and of course my poetry writing class. I'm going to try and take a PE class next semester too. I really want to get into beginnner's tennis, but we'll see how that works out. If not that, then I'll probably end up doing a lifeguarding course or maybe even a self defense course, but we'll see how that all works out.

I absolutely love my roommate this year. She and I have so much in common even though she's a senior and I'm only a sophomore. She is so friendly, as is the rest of her family, and she really is very respectful. I was so afraid after last year that I would be miserable again this year, and that she wouldn't want to have to deal with me because I was younger than her. But it hasn't been that way at all. We talk all the time, and we both love to laugh which is fabulous because you can't get through life without a good laugh every once in a while. We both love to watch movies. We are both very family oriented, and we both spend a lot of time on our studies. She is getting ready to go on to grad school after she graduates. I'll be getting ready for a slightly more relaxing junior year at UNC (hopefully). I'm just glad to have a roommate that actually talks to me and doesn't act like I'm constantly invading her space.

Sigh of Relief

You know, yesterday I was in a pretty foul mood. I wanted to be angry at someone because I thought they had done me wrong. But today, I feel just so much happier. I talked to the guy about the event. I apologized for coming across too forward, and he apologized for leading me on. In the end, I still have a friend and someone I can talk to so openly with. I realized that at this point, all I really want, and need, at this point is a friend. I don't think I've ever had a guy friend where I wasn't afraid to be so open. I'm glad that I have someone that I can be open with, without the constant worry of expectation. You know, like the expectation of something more coming out of the relationship. We're just friends. That's all I need, and that's all I want. Right now, I am perfectly complacent, and it's a good thing.

I'm at Fault

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

That feels better. And you know what? I have absolutely no reason to be upset over a guy who I obviously meant nothing to, and frankly he means nothing to me. See, I thought this guy meant something to me. I thought he really liked my company, and it seemed that he did...for a while. But I'm sure I got too boring for him or something dreadful like that. It went from a 50-50 split on calling to a 85-15 split me calling him to him calling me. I should have known then that it was soon to be over, but I didn't want to see the bright flashing neon sign in my face.

Well, the sign finally fell on me this morning at exactly 9:22 AM. See, last week this guy and I kind of, sort of hinted at a...dinner or something together, and I had the poor judgement to get my hopes up. So yesterday, he and I planned on doing lunch together today (Wed.). He would come by my house and pick me up at noon, and we'd go somewhere to eat. Well, this morning, I'm awaken by my phone vibrating, and having the sick premonition that it was this guy calling off our lunch. But I still wanted to be hopeful being the optomist that I am.

me: hello
him: hey...we need to talk (oh God, not those 4 words that anyone who's anyone dreads to hear)
me: what's up?
him: Well, last night I was with one of my friends and one of his friends. And we stayed out late, and sort of hit it off (as in him and this mysterious, obviously female, friend of a friend)
me: ok...
him; I just wouldn't think it would be fair to you if we went to lunch today, so I think we shouldn't go...
me: ok...that's fine (what the Hell was I thinking? it's too early in the morning to tell...)
him: well...bye
me: bye
him:...click

So am I at fault? Was I too forward to have gone down yesterday and made plans for the lunch that never happened? Should I have stopped calling him when he stopped calling me? I just feel like I'm the one at fault. I always get told that I'm being too forward. That I'm scaring the guys away. That I need to let them make the move...The thing is, I've always been independent. I've always been the type to persue something I want. If I weren't that way, I wouldn't be doing what I am doing today. I guess I'm supposed to get the hint that I'm not ready for a boyfriend? I don't know...I feel like I could handle one. Granted, with the classes I'm taking right now, something (whether it's the classes or the relationship) would end up suffering. I just wish that I could end up keeping some guys as just friends, too. I just feel like everytime I meet guys, I alwasy end up losing them, even as friends. That at the end of the...whatever...they hate me, and I'm left to fend for myself. Is it a maturity issue? Is it me? I just don't understand how I can go through guys like runners go through track shoes. I just wish someone would tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. I don't want to keep going on this way...It hurts too much.

Confused

I think I'm being used, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being taken for a trip not knowing when it ends or if I'm going to like what happens in between. So here's the story.

There is a guy that I met down at the pool this summer. He worked at the tennis shop; I, of course, lifeguard. He gets my phone number, and I don't really expect to hear from him. He goes up to summer school for 4 weeks, and I stay here. Next thing I know, we are talking 2-4 times a week. I like talking to him. I really do. I think he's funny. But now he's back for 2 weeks before heading up to college for the fall. I'll call him sometimes and he won't answer, then he'll call later while he's on a date with some other girl. I went to see him yesterday (for about 1/2 hour), and I just can't tell what he thinks of me. I mean, I don't know if he's using me for a laugh with his buddies. I can't tell if he really likes me. He came down to the pool today, and didn't even acknowledge my existence. This is after he calls me at 12:30 at night. I guess he thought I would pick it up, or call him back. Well, I did call him back, at 3:30 this afternoon. Nada. I thought for awhile that we might go out on a date when he got back from summer school. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know what to think of the whole situation. I can't tell if he just likes to think that he has me wrapped around his finger. I don't know, but it's making me mad. I'm tired of it. At least I'll be back at school in 11 days.

Ball of Confusion

I don't know what to do.
What do you do when you like a guy,
But everyone you know says don't trust him?
Do you give him the benefit of the doubt?
Do you wait to see
If maybe he's not really the guy they all say he is?
Do you play his game to a point,
And then let him know that you don't agree
With some of the things he does?
Do you turn and walk away
Not looking back to see if he follows?
Do you try and change him?
Or do you simply put up with what he's got
And let the rest slide?
What are the opinions of others?
Do you trust them
Over him?
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.

Mute

Disclaimer: Although this entry appears to be very negative, I don't actually think this way all the time. I wrote this probably about 2 years ago, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure why I wrote it in the first place. It brings up small motes of remembered emotions of embarassment, but the events behind it have faded into the mire of the past. In other words, the memory is not a life-altering lesson, therefore my brain has forgotten it in order to sustain my mostly positive being...

How easy life would be without such complications as love or communication. If I could hole myself up, I would be more free. Without words spoken I could spread my wings. I am not as perfect as i once thought. Such the conceited person that I am. I speak before thinking. Thinking is but a passing fancy. Who really needs it? Just kidding... It's quite obvious that i need to do more of it. To think of others before myself. To restrain my opinions, my words, my individuality. To stop and conform. For only through conforming can I become the person that everyone wants me to be. I feel so constrained by societal chains. To move is to be electrocuted. To breathe is sin. My opinions cause pain. My fears burn me, leaving me paralyzed. I can't carry on because I don't want to be an accidental murderer. How would they feel to be injured by such a callous person as I? Not surprised, that's for sure. Would the world be better without the likes of me in it? Probably... I can hardly think of that I have touched the lives of anyone. How could I have done that? No one would remember me as anything other than the girl who thought of no one but herself. I have to admit that I am vain! I am self-centered! I am egotistical! I forget that I am not the only person in the world. Who would want to be around someone like me? Who would wnat to love me? Caress me? Who could imagine spending the rest of their life with me? I can't.

By taking to silence, I am forced to think of the words that I show to others. I have to write them down. By writing them down, I am forced to think about them. By thinking, I can berate myself when I speak callously. I don't want people to remember me as being a witch. I don't want to burn people at the stake of my words. Oh, how can I be like this? I hate myself! I'm never free, and my happiness is never true. The silver lining fades. I'm left with the decaying body I've been stuck with. With the mind that's made up before the schedule is set. With the thoughtless cruelty I spread. How much brighter the sun would shine knowing that it wouldn't have to shine on me...

Sometimes I Just Might Be Crazy

I don't know how many times I've said this.
I don't know how many times I will.
But I should never get involved with guys until a certain maturity level is reached. Apparently guys will be friendly to a point.
Then they drop you like you won't get hurt.
Disgusting!
I'm tired of it. I'm not going to go through this anymore.

Boys of Summer

So I'm not really sure where I want to go with this post. Hmmm...

Summer is almost over, and it kind of makes me sad. A part of me wants the summer to be longer, but another part of me is ready to get back to UNC. I love it up there.

The thing is, that for the first time in my life, I talked to a guy on the phone for something non-work related. It felt really good, too. Nothing may ever happen between the two of us, but it was really nice to have my very first normal phone conversation with a guy. There wasn't too much awkwardness. And he picked up the hint and called me. Sure, it required me sending hima text message to give him the idea, but he was the one who took the step and called me. And we talked for half an hour. I didn't even know I could hold a guy's attention long enough to keep him talking to me on the phone for half an hour. I always thought I was just really boring, and had nothing important to say that anyone would want to listen to. Especially when it came to talking to guys, I don't even have a clue as to the first thing to say to a guy to hold his attention. Exciting, self-confidence boosting stuff right there. Makes me happy :)

The Five Factor Personality Profile

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Simply for when you just aren't bored enough to begin with...

Passion

Sing me to sleep
Tonight my love.
I'll give you
My heart impure.
And together we'll fly
To the moon
And stars,
Two fallen angels
In love.

The Sun Has Finally Gotten To ME!!

It's official, if there is such a thing as facebook stalkers anonymous I should be in it. I spend entirely too much time looking up guys who go to UNC on facebook. Thanks to the most recent realization that the guys on the UNC baseball team are really hot, I now spend part of my day roaming through their profiles on facebook. Ok, so there are really only two players one the team that I monitor on a daily basis. For their sake (...and mine), they shall remain anonymous. Though (lucky me) they are both single, and they are both quite handsome. Not every guy can look that fabulous in a baseball uniform. Hahaha

Ok, so I have roughly a month left before I have to get back to school, and I feel like I have so much that I needed to get done before I head back. And I keep getting this dread-feeling, like I've forgotten to do something especially important, but I can't remember what it is. It's driving me nuts. As are some of the people at the pool. Heck, I've already had to go in after 2 kids this summer. I'm just racking the numbers up. I mean, at the rate I'm going I should get another 2 kids in July and 1 in August before I head back to UNC.

I'm excited about getting back to UNC. I love it up there. Soccer and football season will be starting followed by basketball and then baseball in the spring. I'm so so so so excited about the whole thing :) I love watching sports. Sometimes football can get a little boring because it goes on for such a long time. But I love soccer, basketball, and baseball. I didn't get to go to many sports games in high school. I missed all of basketball with being a swimmer. Plus, the school I went to didn't have a football team. I watched a lot of Jr. high soccer, and our baseball team was pretty awful after my junior year when we won the NCISSA championship. They all got their rings and then were forgotten by the next year. So yeah, I'm excited about sports.

The End Before the NEW Beginning!!!

Well, I made it. I got through my jaw surgery, and it's all pretty much down hill from here. The worst part for me is the fact that I'm very limited in what I can eat. You try eating just Jell-O and Boost for a week and see how you feel. But at least now I can have oatmeal and mashed potatoes and soups and stuff like that. I will survive. Thank you to everyone who sent their love and support. I really appreciate your thoughts and love. I'll try to keep posting updates and other stuff throughout the summer, but it may slow down once I start working over at the pool. Though hopefully by the time I start working I'm not so swollen. At least the doctor said most of the swelling was due to my wisdom teeth being removed and not the actual jaw surgery. Oh, and how cool is it that I now have titanium plates in my lower jaw. I think it's totally cool that I can see them in the X-rays. The plates are about 1 1/2 inches long, and they are holding my lower jaw bone in place while the new bone regrows. Once I'm completely healed, the bone will have grown over the plates which are going to be a permanent part of my jaw from now on. Totally cool stuff.

BAH!!!

I am so frustrated with the Health Science Theme Housing it's not even funny. I'm not even living there, and I'm beginning to dread it a little. They seem so disorganized. First, we were supposed to hear about our room assignments by the beginning of Spring Break. It is now the end of the semester. The end of the school year. The beginning of summer. And still no word on a room. I'm not even sure if I have a room in Carmichael. I certainly hope I do. I'm not exactly thrilled with the prospect of having to live off campus or in Hinton James. I just wish that the student coordinators would get their act together and get the rooms assigned. It's not that difficult. A deaf, dumb, and blind chimpanzee could assign us our rooms. It's absolutely ridiculous, especially since they had about five people leave and five new people come in. It's ridiculous! RIDICULOUS!! I was hoping to get to know my roommate before we moved in, in August, but it's not looking that way. Heck, I'll be lucky if I even have a room by the time I move in. OOOOOoooooo...I am so frustrated with the whole housing thing I don't want to even deal with it right now.

THEY!

They say rainy days are good for studying, but I got two things to say about that. One, who is this they, and what do they think they know?? Second, rainy days are good for sleeping and watching TV. Unfortunately, I can't watch TV because I don't have one at the moment. And I can't let my self take a nap because I have to wake up early for an exam tomorrow. My last exam. That's the greatest part of the whole thing. It's the last exam I have to take for almost four months (give or take about a week). I love it...

Grades...

Grades, actually, GPAs drive me nuts. I hate how so much is hinged on them, and I hate being a perfectionist. I hate being disappointed because I don't make the grades I want. The thing is, on average, I'm not doing too shabby. My grades aren't bad, but they aren't as good as I think I should be getting. I feel like I'm letting myself down by not doing as well as I wanted. But, like I said, my grades aren't bad. As of right now, Here are the final grades I've gotten:

English: A
Chemistry: A-
Media Criticism: B+ (I think)

These aren't bad. With these grades I have a semester GPA of a 3.667 and a cumulative GPA of 3.787. That's not bad, but I feel like I could have done better. I feel like somehow I slacked off and that's why these grades aren't all A's. I forget that this isn't high school anymore. I forget that they don't round grades in college like they did in high school. Believe me, there was an outrageous amount of rounding and curving in high school. Plus, in high school, you can get a GPA greater than 4.0. And, GPA isn't that big of a deal in high school as it seems to be here. Your academic eligibility hinges on your GPA. It's maddening. Especially for perfectionist who push for all A's. Classes here aren't easy.

I just wish I could do better...

Fightertown USA

"You never close your eyes
Anymore when I kiss your lips"

"I feel the need, the need for speed"

"I'm too close for missles, switching to guns."

"You're dangerous, and foolish..."

"You can be my wing-man anytime."

"Working on foreign relations. I gave him the bird."

I love Top Gun. Such a good movie. Too bad my copy at home got eaten by the tape player. I absolutely love the flight scenes. There is no way I could ever get into a fighter plane, but I love watching those scenes. Fascinating. And I love the fact that the deck of an aircraft carrier doubles as a runway for the planes. How cool. How cool.

So I got to go up on the deck of the USS Yorktown. It was probably the neatest thing in the world for me, and I would love to go back and see it again. I am totally fascinated by the aircraft carriers, the cruisers, yep, even the subs although they make me a little more claustrophobic. I just am fascinated by how...efficient they are. I love them..so cool.

So yeah..that's my rant for the day...night...whatever :)

Oh dear...

Yes, I have a problem. Ok, not anything too terrible, but an issue still the same. I think I may have accidentally led a guy to believe I was interested. Unfortunately, I think he's a cool guy, but I just am not romantically interested or interested in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him. I'm not really sure how to get this across, so right now I'm just being nice but distant. Is that worse than being blunt?

Anyway, my problem also lies in where/who my heart is truly for. There's a guy that I have been in love with since I was in 4th grade. Yes, 4th grade. I've never stopped loving him. He may have been slightly aloof during middle school, but I always loved him. I moved between 9th and 10th grade, but I could never forget him. We didn't talk or see each other for about 3 years, but I still love him. I can't stop. There's just something so intriguing about him that keeps me in love with him. We talk on AIM when the Navy doesn't have him completely bogged down with work. He's so nice and sweet. I love him. Love him, love him, love him. I can't help it. This feeling has been a part off me for so long that it's too great for me to even describe in words. I don't want to though. By attempting to put such feelings into words, you limit their meaning and power. I don't want that. I want it to be a limitless, indescribably good feeling like it is.

The thing is, I don't know if he feels the same way. I mean, I feel like he enjoys talking to me. I think he enjoys my company, but I don't know how strong his emotions for me are. Until I get the nerve to ask him, I can't give my heart to anyone. I would feel like I'm cheating on him. Even though he knows nothing of this love I carry for him. I am too committed at this point to this love I carry for him. Until there is some break, a let down, until he tells me what he truly thinks and feels for me, I can't give away my heart. I'm too afraid now to ever let go...

Boys are Maddenning

Boys are the most annoying, frustrating, unnerving creatures on the face of this Earth. And I'm mad at one of them right now. He is so immature. Actually, he's one of a few immature guys I know. He just happens to be the one making me mad right now.

Anyway, he was all nice and sweet to start out. That was about a month ago. Yeah...that didn't last long. I turn around, and he won't talk to me. He practically won't acknowledge my existence. And he needs to grow up. Asking a lot, but frankly I'm impatient, and I'm not wasting my time on someone who just doesn't seem to give a damn about anyone but himself.

I'm sick and tired of being let down by the guys that come in and out of my life. I have yet to meet one that truly makes me feel happy without constantly second-guessing everything he says...Alright, that's not entirely true, but it feels like that right now. Why does it always turn out this way? I mean, I spend so much time thinking it's my fault that it all goes wrong. I feel like I'm the one who made a wrong move or said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Like I'm completely clueless when it comes to guys. Actually, I probably am, but whatever. The point is that it's as much (or mostly) related to the guy's immaturity.

I feel like a lot of the guys I know just want to get as many girls as they can. It's a competition. The one with the most wins, and he gets bragging rights. I mean, it's probably not entirely true, but it just feels that way. I can't stand it.

The Forest of Dreams

Standing in the woods
The nymphs whisper my name.
Calling me into the cool darkness
Of their beloved home.
Following,
Following...
Faster,
Faster.
Spin and twirl.
Glide and dance.
The nymphs take me
Into the center
Of their world.
And then leave.
They leave me
Alone in the darkness.
Alone, where my thoughts
Of you reside.
Alone, where I am consumed
By the very thoughts I adore.
And you are there.
You are there in my heart,
My mind,
My very innner core.
And I can touch you:
Your sweet, soft lips,
The white skin of your forearm.
And I can feel you:
Your peircing, intense eyes
Boring through my protective barrier
To see into the most private corners
Of my heart and spirit.
And you know me.
And through the darkness
and the fear,
I come to know you.
A god, placing me
On a swiftly tilting pedestal.
Will you let me fall?
I do not know.
Will you let me land
On the shards of glass below?
I hope not.
Will you lift me into your arms?
Will you hold me to your chest?
Will you carry me away
Into the secret realms
Of the most beautiful place there is?
I can only pray.
For my love for you
Only knows the boundaries
Created by fear itself.
And my heart only beats
To the rhythms
Of the new born Earth.

Hmmmm...

I don't know why I'm beginning to worry about this again, but I feel like I've been played. I mean, this guy comes on to me, and now I feel like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And I know that I'm reading into this too much, but that's what I do. It's in my nature. But really, does he come on to every girl like he came on to me? Was it just a fling for him? I mean, what's really and truly going through his head. I know, I know...the only way to find out is to ask. But do you know how hard that is?? "Hey! How ya doin? So I was wondering, do you treat every gilr you meet the same way you treated me? You know...come on to her, and then leave her to fend for herself?" I mean, does he realize what goes through my head? Does he realize that I worry about him? Does he realize that I want him to know that I'm interested in what he does in the things he's interested in? Frankly, I'm not like wasting away because he doesn't pay me any attention any more. I'd just like to know what he really thinks of me...a month later...I mean, does he ever think about me? Do I still make him smile? Does he know that I care about him, even if he drives me crazy and makes me mad sometimes? Does he even care?

Bah...someones going to read this and think I'm nuts. They're going to think that this guy has taken up my entire life. The thing is, I'm fine during the day. I do all my work. I never miss a class. I don't think that my grades suffer because of him. It's only when I go to sleep at night. I have no troubles sleeping. It's just that sometimes, when sleeps being a little more elusive than usual, my thoughts will run away with me. My subconcious takes over. All these feelings I do so well locking away during the day come out. I'm a worrier. I worry about my friends and my family. Most of my worry is devoted to my brother and sister and my closest friends who need help whether they realize it or not. I just worry...again, it's in my nature. I'm a motherly type. I want to be able to take everyone under my wing and prove to them that they are worth it. I want to support them, and I want to help them attain their dreams. But then I also have to remember that there are some things that I can't do...

That was a bunch of rambling. I'm not going to go through it. Just take it for what it's worth. I care about this guy, but I don't know what he thinks about me. That's the jest of the entry.

I care about him...

But I don't know what he thinks about me...

Silence

I'm not really sure what I'm in the mood to write right now. I have a headache thanks to studying chem (or the large amounts of chocolate I've eaten in the past week, but here's hoping it's really the chem studying that's causing the pains). I'm really looking forward to the weekend and hoping I'll be able to relax a little bit. Though, who knows what's going on this weekend. I don't. Maybe something exciting, but then again, I'm really not all that exciting a person. I feel so boring sometimes. And stupid. I actually feel really stupid in my media criticism class because everyone in there has taken way more comm classes than I have. They can bring this knowledge into the discussion, and since I don't know much about anything comm/media related I stay pretty quiet. In fact, I don't think I've talked all that much since the first day of class. I had to give a presentation today with one of the guys in my class, but I didn't even talk all that long then. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to make an ass of myself, and being a freshman in a class with maybe two other freshmen in it, that's a little scary. So I stay quiet. That's just who I am. If I know nothing about a subject, I stay quiet. Enough said. And on that note...that's enough for tonight. I'm tired and achey and want to go to sleep...

A Good Day

Sometimes you just have to stop everything you're doing and go to bed early. Forget the studying. Forget the papers you have to write. Forget the past, the present, and the future. Just leave it for tomorrow and curl up in bed and go to sleep. And everything is better in the morning. That's what I did last night, and it was amazing. I went to bed stressed, frazzled, near a nervous breakdown (I'm not kidding, I was seriously considering going over the the counseling center here on campus). It was that bad. So I just went to bed, tried to relax. I woke up this morning at 8, and I got some work done before my first class. I got done this morning what I had wanted to get done. I went to my class. I went to lunch, printed off an article for a presentation on Thursday. I got done this afternoon with everything that I wanted to, and I still had time for ECM and a saxaphone concert which was absolutely beautiful I migt add.

See, that's the thing, I was relaxed. I was running towards a brick wall at breakneck speed. I had already hit that the night before, and now I'm beyond it. Sure, I'm still stressed about exams and classes and moving-out. But I'll take it all in stride. I have everything I need in life to be a happy person right now. I have an amazingly supportive family. I have wonderfully kind friends. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who really truly care about me. I'm in awe. How did I happen to get such a wonderful life? What have I done to deserve to be so blessed? Sometimes I feel too selfish. I feel like I'm trying to make everything be about me, but it shouldn't be that way. I want to make others happy before myself. That's who I want to be. I want to think of others emotional and physical well-being before mine. And just by writing this, I'm proving that that is easier said than done so I'm stopping on that tangent right now.

The other thing that gets me is the lack of publicity for the musicians here at UNC. I'm not talking about rock bands or the a cappella groups on campus. I'm talking about the percussion and wind ensembles, the symphony and jazz bands, the saxaphone, piano, and voice recitals. There are so many different performances that go on in Hill Hall and Person Hall, and every last one of them is amazing. Yet, so many of them get little, if any, publicity. These people spend too much time outside of classes preparing for perfomances that go unnoticed. For all of us that aren't in the music program, look up the performances on the music website:

http://music.unc.edu/

and go to one of the performances. Experience the work of our peers. It is amazing, wonderful, exciting. It's indescribable how great these performances are. Really, take the time to go to one of them. You won't regret it.

Bottoming Out

Life's like a roller coaster
So they say.
I'm at the bottom.
Anticipation seems futile
Yet there is hope
That the car will catch
And we'll move upwards again.

Life's like a roller coaster
So they say.
Unknown twist and turns
Never knowing
When you'll bottom out again.
Glad you're not alone,
But wishing it were and easier ride.

Life is like a roller coaster
So they say.
Hope we reach the end
Together.
Hope we don't fall off
Too soon.
Life is a roller coaster...

I want to hold on to you.

My One and Only

I have a smile
To hide the tears
That I cry
Because you
Passed me by.
All love you
And so I hide
In the shadows
Of my pride.
Your accomplishments
Are more
Than the gifts
I perform.
I am not better,
Certainly not the best,
But one day
I'll outshine all the rest.
And you'll be the one
To stand by my side
And discover the talents
In me the whole time.

Not really sure when I first wrote this. I have a bad habit of not dating any of my poems in my little black notebook. Actually, the notebook is a regular sized spiral...though it is black.

Just Not Ready for This

WOW...alright, who let me go almost a week without posting anything??...Oh...right...

Anyway, so today has been a bit of a mess, and I should be looking forward to a break, but the professors here at UNC don't believe in breaks. So I have two paers, a test, and a group presentation all due the week after Easter. Great! And then...exams start in about three weeks! How crazy is that?! Ahhhh...I'm ready for the summer, though I'm really not ready to have to say good-bye to all the wonderful people I've met. It seems so weird that we may not see each other for 3 months when we've been living together for almost a year.

Reflections

Hmmm...today is Thursday. I had my chem lab final on Wednesday, so I'm done with that for this semester. I sign up for next semester's classes on Saturday. I watched Bamboozled(Spike Lee, 2000) tonight for my media criticism screening. It's a really good movie, but it's really sad. The worst part is the fact that the portrayal of blacks in the movie is how old movies, cartoons, and TV shows used to portray blacks. It's sickening and really upsetting to me that people used to see blacks as lazy, stupid, slow, and subordinate to whites. And blackface? That's not comical! It's disturbing, and it really makes me mad!

I got to build a trail today over in Battle Park. It was so much fun! I really enjoyed getting to spend some time outdoors in the beautiful weather. I feel like I haven't gotten much work done this week, but then when i see what I have to do I realize taht most of it's already been done. Kind of cool except the fact that I don't remember ever actually doing it. I don't feel like I'm all that busy.

On Tuesday, I went to volunteer at the hospital. That was a blast. I love working with little kids, or rather, I like being able to play with them and act like I'm 5 instead of 19. A clown came in named Mr. Rainbow, and he definitely made me a balloon animal. A FROG! I was so excited, you have no idea. I'm such a big kid, it's not even funny.

So I'm debating again. Doctor? Or teacher? I could see myself as being both of them so I don't know which one I sould be. Is there some way to know, one way or the other, that you were meant for one job over another? I wish you could test drive careers like cars. You know, no risk involved, just to see if you'll like the one your in before you commit to anything. I guess that's a bad way of looking at something you'll be doing your entire life.

Hmmm...what else?...Oh...relationships. That's always a fun topic. So I guess that the first thing I should say is that I'm single, and I've always been single. Yep...19 and never had a boyfriend. But I'm not complaining. I know that when the time is right for me, the right guy will walk into my life. Until then, I'm content just being friends with guys. That's a lot of fun, too. I mean, they are so much more relaxed about stuff than girls, and you don't have to worry about them being moody. I feel like this semester I've been more outgoing. Last semester everything was so new, and frankly, I think I was still alittle bit afraid to venture outside of my little security box. But believe me, the lid has been blown off that box, and I'm much happier for it.

And that's it... until next time

A Prayer for Peace

To not think
Is to not exist,
But to think
Is to die slowly.
Of guilt
Of anxieties
From paths
And choices
And options.
Did I make the right one?
Of fears
And doubts
From what I've done
And what I've not done.
Free me
From my inner pains.
Oh Lord,
You are all I need.
Tonight.
Tomorrow.
Forever.
Amen

Middle of the Road

I did it. I made it through my last lab. I actually enjoyed this one to. We had to find the identity of an unknown acid using an acid-base titration. We got three chances to name the right acid. The catch was that each guess after the first one, you lost more points. I was so happy the have gotten the acid on the first try. I am just so glad that this lab is over with.

I now have to worry about registering for next fall's classes. I'm a little worried and a little excited. I'm worried about analytic chemistry. It's the largest weed-out course for chemistry. The lab reports are upwards of 20 pages. I'm just so afraid I'm going to be swamped next semester. I'm also taking Intro to Organic Chemsitry I, Genetics, and Introduction to Poetry Writing.

I'm so excited about my poetry class and what it means. It means that I'm going to have a double minor. So now my diploma will look like this:

Major: Biology(BS)
Minors: Cemistry
Creative Writing(Poetry)

I'm so excited about that :)

I know that I will survive Analytic. Hopefully, I'll get Prof. Austell. He is probably one of the best chemistry prof. you can get. He's hard, but good. AND...he loves what he's doing. That always helps. I'm also trying to get Prof. Forbes for organic because I've read that he's really good. Finally, I'm trying to get Prof. Shapiro for poetry because, once again, I've read that he is an outstanding professor. I'm really glad to be getting into the classes where the professors really enjoy what they are doing. I just feel like the lower level professors don't care because most of the people in the classes won't go far beyond those lower level classes that they need to fulfill general college perspectives. I'm just ready to move on to new and different subjects. And I'll be really glad to actually get into the biology courses rather than all this chemistry. I'm getting a little bit sick of chemistry.

My Eyes

I see the world
Through shades of doubt.
If the end were to come
Would you be there for me?
If the end came tomorrow
Would you remember
That I love you?
That I love you more
Than words can feasibly describe?

I see the world
Through shades of doubt.
But you remind me
Of all that is right
In my world.
You remind me
Of why I must keep living
Day to day.

Silencing Thoughts

Sometimes the words don't come.
Sitting alone
In the world I've created.
A shrine to you in my heart
But you'll never know.

Sometimes the words don't come.
I understand your thoughts
Without knowing you.
I feel your pain
Though we've never touched.

Sometimes the words don't come.
I can look at your face,
from afar,
And know your alone too.
And I want to hold you.

Sometimes the words don't come.
Thoughts linger
Hearts beat
Wants and needs are disregarded
Because they can't be vocalized.

Sometimes the words don't come.
But when they do,
They are beautiful.
Like you, the inspiration
Of a travel worn spirit.

Inspirations Tricklings

I'm feeling like the ink is running out of my pen. I put the tip on the page, but all I get is some funky looking ink blob. Like those ink blots they use in a therapy session. So what do you see in this amorphous blob of ink?? I haven't been able to write good poetry in so long. I just wish the lines would start flowing again. It's like someone has dammed up my inspiration river without telling me. I was floating along just fine and then the river turned into a trickle, and now I'm stuck in the mud. The silty residue. What to do? I can't just step out of the boat and start walking. The goo of laziness will suck me into its depths. It will forever hinder what meager efforts at creativity I attempted. But what's the pont in sitting around? I can't just wait for the engineers to discover their mistake. "Oh, I'm sorry We must have dammed up the wrong river. Our apologies." It doesn't happen like that. To regain control of the inspirational river, to un-dam its miraculous girth takes perserverance, and a want to free it. Where in me is the ability to take on such a grand task? Sure one small hole in the dam is all it takes, but aim and skills are needed that are far beyond what I can do. I'm just not going to give up now...

How long til the next break??

So it's the first Monday back after Spring Break. I wish I were still at home on break. So here is a list of why I like being at home.

1. Home-cooked meals
2. Warm showers that don't burn you when someone on a different floor and in a different part of the building flushes the toilet
3. No wearing flip-flops in the shower because you already know who's been in there, and what they've been doing
4. Sleeping in a bed you don't have to worry about falling out of because it's wider than a 2x4
5. Sleeping in
6. Not being woken up at 3 AM by various noises in the hallway
7. NO CLASSES
8. No need to do work because there aren't any classes to do work for
9. NO 4 HOUR LONG CHEM LAB
10. No having anything you have to do
11. Being able to drive my Honda
12. Getting to watch movies without using them as a procrastination tool
13. My dog
14. Sinks that work
15. Having an excuse to be a lazy bum for a week

So now that Spring Break is over I have to wait until Summer. However, I'll be recovering from jaw surgery over the summer...but that's ok, I hear they give you good drugs for the pain.

19

Yep...it's official...I'm 19. I'm in the last leg of this thing called being a teenager. What a strange feeling.

So here I am, and I'm going to sing myself "the birthday song" according to my AP biology teacher.

Ahem...

A happy birthday,

A happy birthday

Sin and sorrow in the air.

People dying everywhere.

A happy birthday,

One year older...

One year closer to death. (This line is spoken while pounding the fist of one hand in the palm of the other)

That is all.

Dating, Relationships...the Works

So sorry to have been away for so long. I just started Spring Break on Friday, and have been enjoying every minute of it.

Anyway, todays post is about etiquette in and beginning relationships. Anyone can post a comment to this page, and everyone is welcome, and hopefully will, put in their own thoughts and opinions.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm looking for out of this. I guess I want to know what others think about starting relationships. You know, how one starts, people you shouldn't start relationships (ex. your roommate's ex. Is that off-limit?). Interesting tid-bits like that.

Also, I did some research for an English class about females perceptions on drinking. One of the interesting ideas that came up was that guys preferred to date girls that either didn't drink at all or drank in moderation. Do you all agree with this? Why do you think this is or isn't true?

Finally, I guess I'm interested in knowing how other people think relationships start. How do you know that you are both interested in each other? What do you do to get someone's attention? What is the first thing you notice about someone you're interested in?

If you have any other comments, please leave them. Again, anyone is welcome to respond to this post whether you are a member on blogger or not.

Untitled Love

I'm trying to find the words

To answer the questions

On your mind tonight.

I'm trying to find the strength

To hold you in my arms

And protect you through the night.

I'm trying to find the love

To carry you through

And keep me with you.

I'm trying to find the perfection

In this world where all that's perfect

Is in you.

I want you to stay here

To remind me of the reason

I breathe each day.

I want you to hold me

To protect me

And console me.

I want you to love me

For that's what you do best

Each night in the dark.

I want you to know

That I can't let you go

Because I love you more

Than you might suppose.

My Life, My Love

1 year, 10 days, and counting...

That's how long I have to be a teenager. Then, I'll be 20. That seems so old. It just seems so weird to only have about a year left as a teenager. It just seems that middle school wasn't that long ago...

I remember in 7th grade, we went to Lake Moomaw in Virginia. It was interesting. The geese and the Whippoorwills were making noise all night. And then the next day we went canoeing. My job was to sit in the back and steer. I guess I wasn't that bad. There were two ways to change the direction of the canoe. The first was to use drag. You put your oar in the water, on whichever side you want to turn to, and then you just let the oar drag in the water. It causes that side to slow down, and not move as fast as the other side. This causes the boat to turn towards the slower side. The other way was for both canoers (is that a word??) Anyway, both canoers paddle on the same side and that also gets the boat to turn.

Then in 8th grade I went white water rafting in the fall, and DC in the Spring. That was awesome. The rafting was almost a religious experience. I love being on the water, in the water, near the water. I was the baby that wold run out into the ocean without caring if the water was too deep for me. Anyway, DC was fun, too. We toured the Vietnam and Korean war memorials at night as well as the Lincoln Memorial and gazing pool. I loved it. I definitely want to go back there sometime.

Then it was 9th grade, and 9-11 happened. I didn't know anyone personally who worked in either the Pentagon or the World Trade Towers. It was just the shock that someone would do that sort of thing that got me. I have to admit that I broke down and started bawling in the middle of English class. It was just so shocking. My graduating class was the last to go to DC. After that, they started taking the classes to Chattanooga. Not as exciting as DC, but still a nice place I'm sure. I've never been myself.

I moved that summer between 9th and 10th grade, from Roanoke, VA to Shelby, NC. I was pretty depressed. I didn't know anyone and I couldn't just go over and hang out with my friends in VA. And the worst part was the whole VA driving laws. In VA, you couldn't get your permit until 15 1/2. In NC, you can't get your permit until after you go through drivers ed. I didn't get to take drivers ed until the summer between my 10th and 11th grade years. And by the time I got my permit, two days before Thanksgiving my 11th grade year, they (DMV people) told me to just wait until I was 18 to get my license. That was even more depressing.

Anyway, sorry for divulging my life story. I guess you could say that I was happy to graduate high school. I had told so many people that if I cried at graduation it would be tears of joy because I would be getting out of the Hell hole. I was ready to move on, and I am so glad to be here, at UNC. I like being able to wake up an hour before classes and still get to class on time. I like being able to walk to almost everything I want to go to. I don't even mind the classes that much. Some of them are boring, but I just really like being here. That's my life right now, lots of work, lots of class time, but also a lot of fun and new experiences. Things to do, people to see and meet, parties. I mean, I got to go up on Franklin St. after beating Dook, and I got to be a part of 15,000-17,000 people who were also up there celebrating the win. I was a part of a community, and it didn't take an hour drive, crossing county and state borders to get to.

I love it...

UNC beats Dook + Fire = Crazy Night on Franklin St.

WOW!!!!! That game was freakin' awesome. I could hardly watch the last 2 minutes I was so psyched. And then I had to be reminded that breathing was vital to living once the buzzer went off to end the game. That was the awesomest game I've ever seen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Frankling Street was off the chain! I have never seen so many crazy people on Franklin since Halloween. Though Halloween was tame compared to this because there was no fire involved with Halloween. I stayed away from the fire, though, after seeing someone catch on fire. NOT cool. But it was insane. When I got there, there was only one bonfire. By the time I left, there were 4 or 5. And people were standing on the walking signal box things, whatever they're called. And people were jumping the fires. And people were throwing stuff into the fire. And ash was going everywhere. AND IT WAS CRAZY FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though coming back to the room afterwards, and shaking my hair out, and just watching the ash fall out of it was kind of gross. But a small price to pay for the fun and excitement of last night. It all seems so surreal...

The Astrology Report

My horoscope for today according to my phone: "Mistakes in your life are what hone your intuition, so don't be afraid to fail."

Truer words have never been spoken (or texted in this case).

Sometimes I really do think I'm afraid to fail. I think that's part of the reason why I can't talk to guys that I have crushes on. I see it as a failure if they don't respond. I think that's why I'm so afraid to let others down. I'm afraid that I've failed them. I'm afraid to fail a class because, well, it's failing. Perhaps I'm afraid to be anything other than a doctor because I'm afraid I'm failing my parents, like that's what they expect me to be.

I just need to loosen up a bit. The people in my life who really care for me will support any descision I make. I should let go of this fear of failure because all will turn out alright in the end. I know that there is a plan for me in this world. I just need to let it come naturally, like it's supposed to.

Blah

I'm not really sure what sort of mood I'm in right now. Today was absolutley gorgeous. The sun was out. It was in the 70s. Absolutely unbelievably great weather. I definitely went outside and worked on homework (and got a little red on the face and shoulders, but no big deal). I was just so glad to get to be outside. Plus, my one class today was cut short. That's what I love so much about Tuesdays and Thursdays. I only have one class. And all days except for Wednesdays, I'm done before noon.

So now it's night. I'm not really sure what type of mood I should be in. I want to be happy because the weekend begins tomorrow. I want to be focused because I still have classes tomorrow. I want to scream because I still have to wait a week until Spring Break. And I just feel old. I'll be 19 in exactly 2 weeks, and something that happened at the basketball game last night just made me feel old.

So it was senior night last night, and each of the senior basketball players got to give a little speech. David Noel was the last to get up there. So he starts thanking his Mom and Dad and brothers and sisters. Then, he thanked his girlfriend and family-to-be, aka her family. It's weird thinking that I'm getting to a point in life where I just might be thinking about a wedding in 3-4 years. How weird is that. It was just last year when I was all upset because I didn't have a date to my senior prom. Now, I have marriage to look forward to. Granted to get married you have to be ina relationship with someone, and that's a step I have yet to take. But the thing is, it will eventually happen.

I don't know. Even after all this, I'm still not sure what kind of mood I'm in. I just feel mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, and I still have a long way to go before I get a small break...

What's Next?

There was magic in the air today...

The breeze blew froma different direction today. On it came the beauty of a freed soul, the words of a forgotten lullaby, and the heat of a love affair. No one could resist, yet no one understood what it meant. Except me.

I knew where that breeze was coming from. That gentle puff of air that kisses the cheek and caresses the neck. I knew what it meant. It meant that the ending was near. And I am not afraid. It is not a bad ending. Just an ending to lead to a new beginning. I understood that our time had come and we were ready to follow that breeze.

Today, the sun shone more brightly than ever. The flowers smiled up at each passerby. The birds caroled on as if nothing were different. The trees lowered their branches to provide the shade we all wanted. And that gentle breeze touched everyone, everything. The end was coming, but no one was afraid. Nothing would go wrong, that's what the breeze sang.

We are all like leaves in the fall. We come into being in the Spring. So small and fragile, yet with such a strong purpose and will to survive and prove our worth. In the summer, we learn and show our true potential. We can finally live up to the expectations we have been given. Then the fall comes. We grow frail and weak. no longer can we serve our purpose. No longer can we help the tree of life, so the breeze come sand gently shakes us loose. And we fall a little, but the breeze holds us up, floats us along. We are safe, and then we settle to the ground so gently. And we decay, and we regaina new purpose in helping a new spaling to survive. We give it the last of our dying breath. We give it the little bit we have left, and then it's time for us to pass on. We have served all our purposes.

Now all that's left is a soft, warm darkness and light. All in one. We are both safe and secure. We leave before the Winter. We know it's time to go. We are not supposed to be around any longer.

There was magic in the air today. The beautiful end for a new beginning has come...

WHY??

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how open I really think I am, I'm still just as shy as ever.

I have a crush on this guy (for my sake and probably his too, I'm not mentioning names. For the sake of this blog, he'll be known as Guy). So I've never talked to guy because I'm too afraid to. I know that he has chemistry before I do because I see him leave the lecture hall every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I just can't even get up the nerve to say "hi" to him when he walks by because I'm afraid he'll think I'm stupid or something.

I went to the Joan Didion reading at Memorial Hall today. As I was walking back to Parker, he passed me and then walked in front of me until I went into Parker and he headed on to the Law library. I just kept talking to my dad on my cell phone. I couldn't even say anything to him then. I'm destined to spend my time just watching him walk around and pretending that he knows I exist. All I have are dreams of what it would be like to meet him.

Lord, I am pathetic. I don't even know why I'm afraid to say anything. I don't know why I can't even smile at him. I pass him with my iPod on, pretending I don't notice him when I DO! I do notice him. I just think he has the prettiest eyes, a nice body, and he's so serious. And he has a blog, too. I love to read it because it is the side of a guy that you never see. It's like I can see part of who he is by reading it, and there are so many times where I'd like to say something to him. But I can't. I'm too afraid he'll find me out.

But why am I afraid? Where do these irrational fears stem from? Why can't I just walk up to him and by like "Hi. I'm Becca"? There has to be a logical reason for my inability to speak. Me, the girl who seems to have an answer to everything. The girl who will find the answer to everything. The girl who is caught off-guard by her own self. What's up with that? Shouldn't I know myself that well? Is there a reason why I can't find the answer to a simple question like this? Didn't FDR say "the only thing to fear, is fear itself"?

Hmmm...

Monday, Monday...

Today has been kind of relaxing for a Monday. I didn't have English, so I was done with classes at 11. Then, I finished my English paper before lunch. And I got to watch Thelma&Louise. That's a really good movie, by the way.

So, at dinner today, we randomly started talking about Haz-Mat suits, and what they are used for. So, one of the girls was like "I found out that they use them when they are cleaning up spills of really toxic stuff." And the other girl she was talking to was like "So why are they called Haz-Mat? What's that stand for?" And me and my big mouth was like "It stands for hazardous materials." I know pretty impressive. Riiiiiiiight.

I know, I am a science nerd. But I can't really help that.

Chemistry is kind of getting to me. It's all new material, really interesting, but I don't know. I guess it just makes me mad when the professor discusses one topic in class and then puts something competely different in his Webassign homework problems. It's kind of frustrating.

Then there's math. I'm not going to complain about doing infinite sequences for the past two classes, but come on! It's not that difficult. Class is just so boring, and it's so hard to try and stay awake. That really doesn't help especially since this is the most failed class at UNC.

It's a beautiful day...

Coefficient of Friction

Ice skating was so much fun yesterday. And hey, I only fell twice early in the evening. After last night I have a new found respect for figure skaters and speed skaters. Ice skating is not easy, at all.

One of the interesting links that my chemistry professor gave us was an article about ice. It was interesting in the fact that we are in the year 2006, and we still don't understand why ice is so slippery. It is a solid, and most other solids are next to impossible to skate on. You try to skate down the hallway in your hall and tell me how it goes.

It's intersting because it has a high coefficient of friction yet pressure does not effect it. Let me explain...

The coefficient of friction for a substance describes the amount of force that object exerts as you try to slide something across it. The force of friction acts in a direction opposite to the direction in which the moving object is going. This causes the moving object to accelerate backwards (most people would refer to this as deceleration but that is false. Deceleration is simply an object slowing because of an unequal force acting on it in a direction opposite that of its path of movement) and eventually stop unless another force pushes against the force of friction. In most cases, high coefficients of friction mean that it is harder to slide on object across a surface. And even more interesting, the force of friction is proportional to the normal force. The normal force on Earth is simply the mass of the object multiplied by the force of the earth on the object ( this constant is equal to the acceleration due to gravity, or, roughly, 9.8 N/m).

Now, knowing this, we can assume that the more mass an object is, the harder it will be to slide it across an object with a high coefficient of friction. It's like trying to drag a large refrigerator across the room versus dragging a box of books. However, on ice, you are just as likely to slide on the blade of an ice skate as you are in your car. So why is this?

Some scientist refer to the layer of water just on top of the surface of the ice, but this has been refuted because the water layer is too thin to counteract the force of friction. Earlier than that, scientists believed that the force of the blade on the ice caused enough friction to melt the ice a little leting the blade slide across the surface. This has also been discarded as a false hypothesis because the blade cannot create enough pressure to melt the ice enough to cause the blade to slide so easily.

So why can you slide on ice? Perhaps the bonds between the molecules of water in ice are not completely rigid. Both the negative and positive parts of the water molecule come in contact with the blade. As the blade touches the ice it is both attracted to the positive hydrogen as it is repulsed by the negative oxygen. This constant flux would allow the blade to glide forward without being stopped by the force of friction. A wrong hypothesis I'm sure, and it doesn't explain why cars are just as likely to spin out on ice, but it sounds like a fun idea.