Boys are Maddenning

Boys are the most annoying, frustrating, unnerving creatures on the face of this Earth. And I'm mad at one of them right now. He is so immature. Actually, he's one of a few immature guys I know. He just happens to be the one making me mad right now.

Anyway, he was all nice and sweet to start out. That was about a month ago. Yeah...that didn't last long. I turn around, and he won't talk to me. He practically won't acknowledge my existence. And he needs to grow up. Asking a lot, but frankly I'm impatient, and I'm not wasting my time on someone who just doesn't seem to give a damn about anyone but himself.

I'm sick and tired of being let down by the guys that come in and out of my life. I have yet to meet one that truly makes me feel happy without constantly second-guessing everything he says...Alright, that's not entirely true, but it feels like that right now. Why does it always turn out this way? I mean, I spend so much time thinking it's my fault that it all goes wrong. I feel like I'm the one who made a wrong move or said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Like I'm completely clueless when it comes to guys. Actually, I probably am, but whatever. The point is that it's as much (or mostly) related to the guy's immaturity.

I feel like a lot of the guys I know just want to get as many girls as they can. It's a competition. The one with the most wins, and he gets bragging rights. I mean, it's probably not entirely true, but it just feels that way. I can't stand it.

The Forest of Dreams

Standing in the woods
The nymphs whisper my name.
Calling me into the cool darkness
Of their beloved home.
Following,
Following...
Faster,
Faster.
Spin and twirl.
Glide and dance.
The nymphs take me
Into the center
Of their world.
And then leave.
They leave me
Alone in the darkness.
Alone, where my thoughts
Of you reside.
Alone, where I am consumed
By the very thoughts I adore.
And you are there.
You are there in my heart,
My mind,
My very innner core.
And I can touch you:
Your sweet, soft lips,
The white skin of your forearm.
And I can feel you:
Your peircing, intense eyes
Boring through my protective barrier
To see into the most private corners
Of my heart and spirit.
And you know me.
And through the darkness
and the fear,
I come to know you.
A god, placing me
On a swiftly tilting pedestal.
Will you let me fall?
I do not know.
Will you let me land
On the shards of glass below?
I hope not.
Will you lift me into your arms?
Will you hold me to your chest?
Will you carry me away
Into the secret realms
Of the most beautiful place there is?
I can only pray.
For my love for you
Only knows the boundaries
Created by fear itself.
And my heart only beats
To the rhythms
Of the new born Earth.

Hmmmm...

I don't know why I'm beginning to worry about this again, but I feel like I've been played. I mean, this guy comes on to me, and now I feel like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And I know that I'm reading into this too much, but that's what I do. It's in my nature. But really, does he come on to every girl like he came on to me? Was it just a fling for him? I mean, what's really and truly going through his head. I know, I know...the only way to find out is to ask. But do you know how hard that is?? "Hey! How ya doin? So I was wondering, do you treat every gilr you meet the same way you treated me? You know...come on to her, and then leave her to fend for herself?" I mean, does he realize what goes through my head? Does he realize that I worry about him? Does he realize that I want him to know that I'm interested in what he does in the things he's interested in? Frankly, I'm not like wasting away because he doesn't pay me any attention any more. I'd just like to know what he really thinks of me...a month later...I mean, does he ever think about me? Do I still make him smile? Does he know that I care about him, even if he drives me crazy and makes me mad sometimes? Does he even care?

Bah...someones going to read this and think I'm nuts. They're going to think that this guy has taken up my entire life. The thing is, I'm fine during the day. I do all my work. I never miss a class. I don't think that my grades suffer because of him. It's only when I go to sleep at night. I have no troubles sleeping. It's just that sometimes, when sleeps being a little more elusive than usual, my thoughts will run away with me. My subconcious takes over. All these feelings I do so well locking away during the day come out. I'm a worrier. I worry about my friends and my family. Most of my worry is devoted to my brother and sister and my closest friends who need help whether they realize it or not. I just worry...again, it's in my nature. I'm a motherly type. I want to be able to take everyone under my wing and prove to them that they are worth it. I want to support them, and I want to help them attain their dreams. But then I also have to remember that there are some things that I can't do...

That was a bunch of rambling. I'm not going to go through it. Just take it for what it's worth. I care about this guy, but I don't know what he thinks about me. That's the jest of the entry.

I care about him...

But I don't know what he thinks about me...

Silence

I'm not really sure what I'm in the mood to write right now. I have a headache thanks to studying chem (or the large amounts of chocolate I've eaten in the past week, but here's hoping it's really the chem studying that's causing the pains). I'm really looking forward to the weekend and hoping I'll be able to relax a little bit. Though, who knows what's going on this weekend. I don't. Maybe something exciting, but then again, I'm really not all that exciting a person. I feel so boring sometimes. And stupid. I actually feel really stupid in my media criticism class because everyone in there has taken way more comm classes than I have. They can bring this knowledge into the discussion, and since I don't know much about anything comm/media related I stay pretty quiet. In fact, I don't think I've talked all that much since the first day of class. I had to give a presentation today with one of the guys in my class, but I didn't even talk all that long then. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to make an ass of myself, and being a freshman in a class with maybe two other freshmen in it, that's a little scary. So I stay quiet. That's just who I am. If I know nothing about a subject, I stay quiet. Enough said. And on that note...that's enough for tonight. I'm tired and achey and want to go to sleep...

A Good Day

Sometimes you just have to stop everything you're doing and go to bed early. Forget the studying. Forget the papers you have to write. Forget the past, the present, and the future. Just leave it for tomorrow and curl up in bed and go to sleep. And everything is better in the morning. That's what I did last night, and it was amazing. I went to bed stressed, frazzled, near a nervous breakdown (I'm not kidding, I was seriously considering going over the the counseling center here on campus). It was that bad. So I just went to bed, tried to relax. I woke up this morning at 8, and I got some work done before my first class. I got done this morning what I had wanted to get done. I went to my class. I went to lunch, printed off an article for a presentation on Thursday. I got done this afternoon with everything that I wanted to, and I still had time for ECM and a saxaphone concert which was absolutely beautiful I migt add.

See, that's the thing, I was relaxed. I was running towards a brick wall at breakneck speed. I had already hit that the night before, and now I'm beyond it. Sure, I'm still stressed about exams and classes and moving-out. But I'll take it all in stride. I have everything I need in life to be a happy person right now. I have an amazingly supportive family. I have wonderfully kind friends. I'm surrounded by wonderful people who really truly care about me. I'm in awe. How did I happen to get such a wonderful life? What have I done to deserve to be so blessed? Sometimes I feel too selfish. I feel like I'm trying to make everything be about me, but it shouldn't be that way. I want to make others happy before myself. That's who I want to be. I want to think of others emotional and physical well-being before mine. And just by writing this, I'm proving that that is easier said than done so I'm stopping on that tangent right now.

The other thing that gets me is the lack of publicity for the musicians here at UNC. I'm not talking about rock bands or the a cappella groups on campus. I'm talking about the percussion and wind ensembles, the symphony and jazz bands, the saxaphone, piano, and voice recitals. There are so many different performances that go on in Hill Hall and Person Hall, and every last one of them is amazing. Yet, so many of them get little, if any, publicity. These people spend too much time outside of classes preparing for perfomances that go unnoticed. For all of us that aren't in the music program, look up the performances on the music website:

http://music.unc.edu/

and go to one of the performances. Experience the work of our peers. It is amazing, wonderful, exciting. It's indescribable how great these performances are. Really, take the time to go to one of them. You won't regret it.

Bottoming Out

Life's like a roller coaster
So they say.
I'm at the bottom.
Anticipation seems futile
Yet there is hope
That the car will catch
And we'll move upwards again.

Life's like a roller coaster
So they say.
Unknown twist and turns
Never knowing
When you'll bottom out again.
Glad you're not alone,
But wishing it were and easier ride.

Life is like a roller coaster
So they say.
Hope we reach the end
Together.
Hope we don't fall off
Too soon.
Life is a roller coaster...

I want to hold on to you.

My One and Only

I have a smile
To hide the tears
That I cry
Because you
Passed me by.
All love you
And so I hide
In the shadows
Of my pride.
Your accomplishments
Are more
Than the gifts
I perform.
I am not better,
Certainly not the best,
But one day
I'll outshine all the rest.
And you'll be the one
To stand by my side
And discover the talents
In me the whole time.

Not really sure when I first wrote this. I have a bad habit of not dating any of my poems in my little black notebook. Actually, the notebook is a regular sized spiral...though it is black.

Just Not Ready for This

WOW...alright, who let me go almost a week without posting anything??...Oh...right...

Anyway, so today has been a bit of a mess, and I should be looking forward to a break, but the professors here at UNC don't believe in breaks. So I have two paers, a test, and a group presentation all due the week after Easter. Great! And then...exams start in about three weeks! How crazy is that?! Ahhhh...I'm ready for the summer, though I'm really not ready to have to say good-bye to all the wonderful people I've met. It seems so weird that we may not see each other for 3 months when we've been living together for almost a year.

Reflections

Hmmm...today is Thursday. I had my chem lab final on Wednesday, so I'm done with that for this semester. I sign up for next semester's classes on Saturday. I watched Bamboozled(Spike Lee, 2000) tonight for my media criticism screening. It's a really good movie, but it's really sad. The worst part is the fact that the portrayal of blacks in the movie is how old movies, cartoons, and TV shows used to portray blacks. It's sickening and really upsetting to me that people used to see blacks as lazy, stupid, slow, and subordinate to whites. And blackface? That's not comical! It's disturbing, and it really makes me mad!

I got to build a trail today over in Battle Park. It was so much fun! I really enjoyed getting to spend some time outdoors in the beautiful weather. I feel like I haven't gotten much work done this week, but then when i see what I have to do I realize taht most of it's already been done. Kind of cool except the fact that I don't remember ever actually doing it. I don't feel like I'm all that busy.

On Tuesday, I went to volunteer at the hospital. That was a blast. I love working with little kids, or rather, I like being able to play with them and act like I'm 5 instead of 19. A clown came in named Mr. Rainbow, and he definitely made me a balloon animal. A FROG! I was so excited, you have no idea. I'm such a big kid, it's not even funny.

So I'm debating again. Doctor? Or teacher? I could see myself as being both of them so I don't know which one I sould be. Is there some way to know, one way or the other, that you were meant for one job over another? I wish you could test drive careers like cars. You know, no risk involved, just to see if you'll like the one your in before you commit to anything. I guess that's a bad way of looking at something you'll be doing your entire life.

Hmmm...what else?...Oh...relationships. That's always a fun topic. So I guess that the first thing I should say is that I'm single, and I've always been single. Yep...19 and never had a boyfriend. But I'm not complaining. I know that when the time is right for me, the right guy will walk into my life. Until then, I'm content just being friends with guys. That's a lot of fun, too. I mean, they are so much more relaxed about stuff than girls, and you don't have to worry about them being moody. I feel like this semester I've been more outgoing. Last semester everything was so new, and frankly, I think I was still alittle bit afraid to venture outside of my little security box. But believe me, the lid has been blown off that box, and I'm much happier for it.

And that's it... until next time

A Prayer for Peace

To not think
Is to not exist,
But to think
Is to die slowly.
Of guilt
Of anxieties
From paths
And choices
And options.
Did I make the right one?
Of fears
And doubts
From what I've done
And what I've not done.
Free me
From my inner pains.
Oh Lord,
You are all I need.
Tonight.
Tomorrow.
Forever.
Amen