I wish I knew what I was doing... I don't really have much more to say than that because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to act, to talk, to walk, to carry on if something goes wrong. To feel, to sing, to be anything but me. And even that gets in the way sometimes...to love, that is what I know the least about...to love.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Top 5 Themes
So it's been awhile since I last posted, and this post is really not going to be all that much. See, I had this strengths test thing that I had to take for one of my classes. The point of the test was to determine your top 5 "themes" or strengths. I'm just going to post my top 5 themes, and the descriptions for each tonight. Maybe some other day I'll go back to creating real post...
Includer: (formerly Inclusiveness) "Stretch the circle wider." This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Judgments can hurt a person's feelings. Why do that if you don't have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.
Discipline: Your world needs to be predictable. It needs to be ordered and planned. So you instinctively impose structure on your world. You set up routines. You focus on timelines and deadlines. You break long-term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently. You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need precision. Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control. The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control. Lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict. You must understand that not everyone feels your urge for predictability; they have other ways of getting things done. Likewise, you can help them understand and even appreciate your need for structure. Your dislike of surprises, your impatience with errors, your routines, and your detail orientation don't need to be misinterpreted as controlling behaviors that box people in. Rather, these behaviors can be understood as your instinctive method for maintaining your progress and your productivity in the face of life's many distractions.
Learner: You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered-this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences-yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the "getting there".
Responsibility: Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help-and they soon will-you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.
Restorative: You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You may prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or you may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other themes and experiences. But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing-this machine, this technique, this person, this company-might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.
So yeah, basically these themes really do describe who I am as a person. I am a perfectionist, and that's what I do best. Each of these themes leads to the overal perfectionsit package...go figure.
Includer: (formerly Inclusiveness) "Stretch the circle wider." This is the philosophy around which you orient your life. You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person. Regardless of race or sex or nationality or personality or faith, you cast few judgments. Judgments can hurt a person's feelings. Why do that if you don't have to? Your accepting nature does not necessarily rest on a belief that each of us is different and that one should respect these differences. Rather, it rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.
Discipline: Your world needs to be predictable. It needs to be ordered and planned. So you instinctively impose structure on your world. You set up routines. You focus on timelines and deadlines. You break long-term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently. You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need precision. Faced with the inherent messiness of life, you want to feel in control. The routines, the timelines, the structure, all of these help create this feeling of control. Lacking this theme of Discipline, others may sometimes resent your need for order, but there need not be conflict. You must understand that not everyone feels your urge for predictability; they have other ways of getting things done. Likewise, you can help them understand and even appreciate your need for structure. Your dislike of surprises, your impatience with errors, your routines, and your detail orientation don't need to be misinterpreted as controlling behaviors that box people in. Rather, these behaviors can be understood as your instinctive method for maintaining your progress and your productivity in the face of life's many distractions.
Learner: You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered-this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences-yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the "getting there".
Responsibility: Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help-and they soon will-you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.
Restorative: You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You may prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or you may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other themes and experiences. But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing-this machine, this technique, this person, this company-might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Boys, Boys, Boys...Oh, and Chemistry
So I'm not really sure just why I decided to take two chemistries this semster, but I am. I swear, if I can survive to the end it'll be a miracle. I just spent about 9 hours today doing nothing but chemistry. I swear, I think my brains started running out of my ears at about 3 PM. I'm not even sure how much of it is left up there as of right now.
Anyway, I'm sort of in a blah mood right now. I'm rediscovering for the umpteenth time that there are only about 10 datable guys here on campus. And those 10 guys get to share the God knows how many single girls there are here on campus. I know these guys love it. They get to pick whichever girl they want, but I'm tired of always feeling desperate. I'm also tired of seeing people I know who are getting married. The thing is, these people are my age. Most of me knows that I don't ned this right now, but the oher part of me is kind of jealous. I mean, why does it seem like it was so easy for these people to find their "soulmate" or whatever, but it always seems like it's an uphill battle with my feet tied together and no footholds along the way. I'm just tired of others finding it so easy. Why did Carolina have to have such bad odds for the girls?
So then what happens when you meet a 3S (sweet, single, and straight) guy? Do you suddenly have to compete with every other one of his groupies? It sucks royally. And then you have to worry about just what kind of person he is? I mean, go on to facebook, look at the guy's page and inevitably they have a secret. They drink too much. They pimp too much. They are petofiles and only date girls 5years younger than them. Without a doubt there is something to mar any dreams you might have had. Which is why I quit! I Quit! I Quit! I Quit! Blah...
I don't dream anymore. I don't have to strength to even fight anymore. I know they aren't going to come to me, so i'm not even going to worry about going to them. It's not like they're even going to care about me if I persue them. I mean, come on, as soon as I say that I'm a bio major and pre-med they run like they're being chased by a serial killer. Apparently, there is some unwritten code that smart girls shold not be dated. Why? Why? At least I can carry on a semi-intelligent coversation, but apparently those aren't in fashion either. Blah...
It's frustrating, especially when you're interested, and you know that the person you are interested in probably isn't interested back. Or if they are, they want something else...Bah...
Anyway, I'm sort of in a blah mood right now. I'm rediscovering for the umpteenth time that there are only about 10 datable guys here on campus. And those 10 guys get to share the God knows how many single girls there are here on campus. I know these guys love it. They get to pick whichever girl they want, but I'm tired of always feeling desperate. I'm also tired of seeing people I know who are getting married. The thing is, these people are my age. Most of me knows that I don't ned this right now, but the oher part of me is kind of jealous. I mean, why does it seem like it was so easy for these people to find their "soulmate" or whatever, but it always seems like it's an uphill battle with my feet tied together and no footholds along the way. I'm just tired of others finding it so easy. Why did Carolina have to have such bad odds for the girls?
So then what happens when you meet a 3S (sweet, single, and straight) guy? Do you suddenly have to compete with every other one of his groupies? It sucks royally. And then you have to worry about just what kind of person he is? I mean, go on to facebook, look at the guy's page and inevitably they have a secret. They drink too much. They pimp too much. They are petofiles and only date girls 5years younger than them. Without a doubt there is something to mar any dreams you might have had. Which is why I quit! I Quit! I Quit! I Quit! Blah...
I don't dream anymore. I don't have to strength to even fight anymore. I know they aren't going to come to me, so i'm not even going to worry about going to them. It's not like they're even going to care about me if I persue them. I mean, come on, as soon as I say that I'm a bio major and pre-med they run like they're being chased by a serial killer. Apparently, there is some unwritten code that smart girls shold not be dated. Why? Why? At least I can carry on a semi-intelligent coversation, but apparently those aren't in fashion either. Blah...
It's frustrating, especially when you're interested, and you know that the person you are interested in probably isn't interested back. Or if they are, they want something else...Bah...
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