When is it that we become so numb to life that the specter of death glides passed like an old friend, taking another life without us so much as batting an eyelash? Is this an expected part of the path to becoming a doctor? We go through the boot camp of medical school wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, high and mighty ideas of saving each person who calls us doctor. We think that we have been armed with the tools to make a difference. We are charged with false hopes of making a difference, of changing the world one person at a time. And then residency puts us in the trenches. The first person that dies on our watch is painful. We think about everything we did, and what we didn't do, and which things could have changed the ultimate outcome. We swear to ourselves we'll be more vigilant the next time. And the process begins again. The insidiousness makes it almost imperceptible until we reach a point where we're actively discussing who's going to die next. Even worse, we determine who should die instead of receive all active measures of treatment to sustain life. We see a set of disorders and symptoms instead of a person. When do we become the decision makers on who gets the "full court press" and who gets a toe-tag on admission. Are we so calloused that we forget the person has a family and friends?
I feel like I'm suffocating.
Pain is such an overwhelming state of being. I don't say "emotion" because it is so much more than that. It is all encompassing. It cause physical pain and exhaustion. It clouds our sight and judgement. I feel like having spent the last few weeks in the MICU has made me more acutely aware of pain. Not only have I watched the people around me close in on themselves from the ever mounting power of the darkness that can seep out from our insides when put under stress, but I too, have sunk into the molten pit. Like a rat in a cage with a charged floor, we lash out at those that love us most because we can't fathom suffering alone. It's slowly taking its toll.
Pain is such an overwhelming state of being. I don't say "emotion" because it is so much more than that. It is all encompassing. It cause physical pain and exhaustion. It clouds our sight and judgement. I feel like having spent the last few weeks in the MICU has made me more acutely aware of pain. Not only have I watched the people around me close in on themselves from the ever mounting power of the darkness that can seep out from our insides when put under stress, but I too, have sunk into the molten pit. Like a rat in a cage with a charged floor, we lash out at those that love us most because we can't fathom suffering alone. It's slowly taking its toll.
