School is in Session

I'm back at UNC now and starting my sophomore year. It's a little bit bittersweet because I'm so happy to be up here, but a tthe same time I know that I'm that much closer to being a senior and out of here. I don't want to think about it. I have so much that I feel like I need to be doing up here.

I have 15 credit hours I'm taking this semester. CHEM 241, CHEM 261, BIOL 202, ENGL 131, and PHYC 40A. I really like all of the profs that I've had so far. I love genetics; I actually think that I'm not going to mind organic all that much. I love, love, love my poetry writing class. I think that that will probably end up becoming my favorite class this semester. I love my prof for analytic, but I'm not so sure about the class itself. I know it's not going to be an easy course. I know that the lab will be time consuming, but I'll make it through. I think that this may end up being my hardest semester this year. i know I'll be taking more class hours next semester, but the classes will be mostly biology with only one chemistry class and of course my poetry writing class. I'm going to try and take a PE class next semester too. I really want to get into beginnner's tennis, but we'll see how that works out. If not that, then I'll probably end up doing a lifeguarding course or maybe even a self defense course, but we'll see how that all works out.

I absolutely love my roommate this year. She and I have so much in common even though she's a senior and I'm only a sophomore. She is so friendly, as is the rest of her family, and she really is very respectful. I was so afraid after last year that I would be miserable again this year, and that she wouldn't want to have to deal with me because I was younger than her. But it hasn't been that way at all. We talk all the time, and we both love to laugh which is fabulous because you can't get through life without a good laugh every once in a while. We both love to watch movies. We are both very family oriented, and we both spend a lot of time on our studies. She is getting ready to go on to grad school after she graduates. I'll be getting ready for a slightly more relaxing junior year at UNC (hopefully). I'm just glad to have a roommate that actually talks to me and doesn't act like I'm constantly invading her space.

Sigh of Relief

You know, yesterday I was in a pretty foul mood. I wanted to be angry at someone because I thought they had done me wrong. But today, I feel just so much happier. I talked to the guy about the event. I apologized for coming across too forward, and he apologized for leading me on. In the end, I still have a friend and someone I can talk to so openly with. I realized that at this point, all I really want, and need, at this point is a friend. I don't think I've ever had a guy friend where I wasn't afraid to be so open. I'm glad that I have someone that I can be open with, without the constant worry of expectation. You know, like the expectation of something more coming out of the relationship. We're just friends. That's all I need, and that's all I want. Right now, I am perfectly complacent, and it's a good thing.

I'm at Fault

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

That feels better. And you know what? I have absolutely no reason to be upset over a guy who I obviously meant nothing to, and frankly he means nothing to me. See, I thought this guy meant something to me. I thought he really liked my company, and it seemed that he did...for a while. But I'm sure I got too boring for him or something dreadful like that. It went from a 50-50 split on calling to a 85-15 split me calling him to him calling me. I should have known then that it was soon to be over, but I didn't want to see the bright flashing neon sign in my face.

Well, the sign finally fell on me this morning at exactly 9:22 AM. See, last week this guy and I kind of, sort of hinted at a...dinner or something together, and I had the poor judgement to get my hopes up. So yesterday, he and I planned on doing lunch together today (Wed.). He would come by my house and pick me up at noon, and we'd go somewhere to eat. Well, this morning, I'm awaken by my phone vibrating, and having the sick premonition that it was this guy calling off our lunch. But I still wanted to be hopeful being the optomist that I am.

me: hello
him: hey...we need to talk (oh God, not those 4 words that anyone who's anyone dreads to hear)
me: what's up?
him: Well, last night I was with one of my friends and one of his friends. And we stayed out late, and sort of hit it off (as in him and this mysterious, obviously female, friend of a friend)
me: ok...
him; I just wouldn't think it would be fair to you if we went to lunch today, so I think we shouldn't go...
me: ok...that's fine (what the Hell was I thinking? it's too early in the morning to tell...)
him: well...bye
me: bye
him:...click

So am I at fault? Was I too forward to have gone down yesterday and made plans for the lunch that never happened? Should I have stopped calling him when he stopped calling me? I just feel like I'm the one at fault. I always get told that I'm being too forward. That I'm scaring the guys away. That I need to let them make the move...The thing is, I've always been independent. I've always been the type to persue something I want. If I weren't that way, I wouldn't be doing what I am doing today. I guess I'm supposed to get the hint that I'm not ready for a boyfriend? I don't know...I feel like I could handle one. Granted, with the classes I'm taking right now, something (whether it's the classes or the relationship) would end up suffering. I just wish that I could end up keeping some guys as just friends, too. I just feel like everytime I meet guys, I alwasy end up losing them, even as friends. That at the end of the...whatever...they hate me, and I'm left to fend for myself. Is it a maturity issue? Is it me? I just don't understand how I can go through guys like runners go through track shoes. I just wish someone would tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. I don't want to keep going on this way...It hurts too much.

Confused

I think I'm being used, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being taken for a trip not knowing when it ends or if I'm going to like what happens in between. So here's the story.

There is a guy that I met down at the pool this summer. He worked at the tennis shop; I, of course, lifeguard. He gets my phone number, and I don't really expect to hear from him. He goes up to summer school for 4 weeks, and I stay here. Next thing I know, we are talking 2-4 times a week. I like talking to him. I really do. I think he's funny. But now he's back for 2 weeks before heading up to college for the fall. I'll call him sometimes and he won't answer, then he'll call later while he's on a date with some other girl. I went to see him yesterday (for about 1/2 hour), and I just can't tell what he thinks of me. I mean, I don't know if he's using me for a laugh with his buddies. I can't tell if he really likes me. He came down to the pool today, and didn't even acknowledge my existence. This is after he calls me at 12:30 at night. I guess he thought I would pick it up, or call him back. Well, I did call him back, at 3:30 this afternoon. Nada. I thought for awhile that we might go out on a date when he got back from summer school. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know what to think of the whole situation. I can't tell if he just likes to think that he has me wrapped around his finger. I don't know, but it's making me mad. I'm tired of it. At least I'll be back at school in 11 days.