Ball of Confusion

I don't know what to do.
What do you do when you like a guy,
But everyone you know says don't trust him?
Do you give him the benefit of the doubt?
Do you wait to see
If maybe he's not really the guy they all say he is?
Do you play his game to a point,
And then let him know that you don't agree
With some of the things he does?
Do you turn and walk away
Not looking back to see if he follows?
Do you try and change him?
Or do you simply put up with what he's got
And let the rest slide?
What are the opinions of others?
Do you trust them
Over him?
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.

Mute

Disclaimer: Although this entry appears to be very negative, I don't actually think this way all the time. I wrote this probably about 2 years ago, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure why I wrote it in the first place. It brings up small motes of remembered emotions of embarassment, but the events behind it have faded into the mire of the past. In other words, the memory is not a life-altering lesson, therefore my brain has forgotten it in order to sustain my mostly positive being...

How easy life would be without such complications as love or communication. If I could hole myself up, I would be more free. Without words spoken I could spread my wings. I am not as perfect as i once thought. Such the conceited person that I am. I speak before thinking. Thinking is but a passing fancy. Who really needs it? Just kidding... It's quite obvious that i need to do more of it. To think of others before myself. To restrain my opinions, my words, my individuality. To stop and conform. For only through conforming can I become the person that everyone wants me to be. I feel so constrained by societal chains. To move is to be electrocuted. To breathe is sin. My opinions cause pain. My fears burn me, leaving me paralyzed. I can't carry on because I don't want to be an accidental murderer. How would they feel to be injured by such a callous person as I? Not surprised, that's for sure. Would the world be better without the likes of me in it? Probably... I can hardly think of that I have touched the lives of anyone. How could I have done that? No one would remember me as anything other than the girl who thought of no one but herself. I have to admit that I am vain! I am self-centered! I am egotistical! I forget that I am not the only person in the world. Who would want to be around someone like me? Who would wnat to love me? Caress me? Who could imagine spending the rest of their life with me? I can't.

By taking to silence, I am forced to think of the words that I show to others. I have to write them down. By writing them down, I am forced to think about them. By thinking, I can berate myself when I speak callously. I don't want people to remember me as being a witch. I don't want to burn people at the stake of my words. Oh, how can I be like this? I hate myself! I'm never free, and my happiness is never true. The silver lining fades. I'm left with the decaying body I've been stuck with. With the mind that's made up before the schedule is set. With the thoughtless cruelty I spread. How much brighter the sun would shine knowing that it wouldn't have to shine on me...

Sometimes I Just Might Be Crazy

I don't know how many times I've said this.
I don't know how many times I will.
But I should never get involved with guys until a certain maturity level is reached. Apparently guys will be friendly to a point.
Then they drop you like you won't get hurt.
Disgusting!
I'm tired of it. I'm not going to go through this anymore.

Boys of Summer

So I'm not really sure where I want to go with this post. Hmmm...

Summer is almost over, and it kind of makes me sad. A part of me wants the summer to be longer, but another part of me is ready to get back to UNC. I love it up there.

The thing is, that for the first time in my life, I talked to a guy on the phone for something non-work related. It felt really good, too. Nothing may ever happen between the two of us, but it was really nice to have my very first normal phone conversation with a guy. There wasn't too much awkwardness. And he picked up the hint and called me. Sure, it required me sending hima text message to give him the idea, but he was the one who took the step and called me. And we talked for half an hour. I didn't even know I could hold a guy's attention long enough to keep him talking to me on the phone for half an hour. I always thought I was just really boring, and had nothing important to say that anyone would want to listen to. Especially when it came to talking to guys, I don't even have a clue as to the first thing to say to a guy to hold his attention. Exciting, self-confidence boosting stuff right there. Makes me happy :)

The Five Factor Personality Profile

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Simply for when you just aren't bored enough to begin with...

Passion

Sing me to sleep
Tonight my love.
I'll give you
My heart impure.
And together we'll fly
To the moon
And stars,
Two fallen angels
In love.