I believe in the intrinsic goodness of all
people and the beauty and resilience of the human spirit
I wrote this line January 7, 2010. I was halfway through my first year of medical school, and I woke up from sleep repeating the line over and over in my mind.
My wealth spring for continuing to seek the underlying good stems from my Grammy Lou. She taught me this time and again before her death, and now occasionally, comes back in my dreams when I need the gentle reminder again. I remember the last time I needed her. It was before starting residency. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to be the kind of doctor my patients would need in the coming years. I was sleeping fitfully and thus remember the dream vividly. I was at a beautiful old stone church with ivy climbing over the stoic Gothic facade. I was getting married. I stood beside my daddy at the grand wooden doors of the church, in a courtyard filled with sunlight, an eerily beautiful graveyard behind me with a large, graceful Oak tree in the center. I was afraid, and in my fear, I ran into the graveyard to sit on a bench, silently wondering if this was the right thing for me to be doing at this time. Grammy Lou was standing beside me, and I poured my insecurities, my reservations out to her. She stood silently listening, smiling gently, and then hugged me. Afterward, cradling my cheeks and looking straight into my soul with her bright blue eyes, she said, "You are ready for this day and have been for a long time. You are not alone in this journey for even when those standing beside you in life are not there, I am always right behind you cheering you on and supporting you." It was all I needed to hear to walk back to the courtyard, to link my arm through my daddy's, and to make the walk down the aisle with all my friends and family watching. When I arrived at the alter and handed to my husband-to-be, I turned, and there was Grammy Lou enveloped in the streaming glow of the sun pouring in through the open wooden doors. I knew in that moment that everything I did from then on was with her ever vigilant guidance.
As I've continued through residency, there have been so many times that I've had to listen and care for the sickest of the sick and the dyings' families. I know that every conversation I have where I break bad news and every discussion about withdrawing care is the part of Grammy Lou in me shining through. In talking with my daddy, I am embodying one of her greatest strengths, and I wear it humbly. She sits on the collar of my white coat as my guardian angel, ever present to me and my patients, even when they are not aware.
