Days 31-33: Who Will I Be?

One of the things that I am supposed to contemplate this year is who I will be once I am done with training.  It is such a hard question to answer because I feel like I know so little of the fields I am in.  I know the training chunk, but what will that translate into once I am in the field?  I feel at a loss sometimes.  I want to be an educator.  I want to work in hospice.  I thought I wanted to do primary care, but sometimes the amount of homework is overwhelming.  While there would still be homework on inpatient, it feels like there is less of it.  Would that be where I am called to be?  As Frederick Buechner said, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet."  So where does that fall for me?  There needs to be a greater understanding earlier on that death is not a failure, that there is hope even when the aggressive attempts at curative treatment are no longer worth the risk.  Sometimes, I feel like I am climbing a mountain, and just when I think I've reached the pinnacle, a new rock face juts up in front of me.  I feel like I will never see the horizon again and know what my light will be.  Do I just jump in where I think it might be, and then switch if it turns out my calling is somewhere else in my fields of choice?  I feel so unsure of what I want.  I also feel like I haven't seen enough to know.  I likely won't see enough until I start my first job.  How do I even start to decide?  Should I have started asking these questions years ago?  Did I limit my soul-searching because of my blind belief that I would stay in the same medical institution for life?  Perhaps if I look at why I wanted to stay, I can find the veins that run throughout and use those as a guide to my chosen path.