Tonight, I feel drained. Not because there has been an abundance of emotionally straining family or patient encounters. Not because of the weather or time of year. Predominantly because there are some major life events coming in 2018, and the planning for many of them is all combining right now. LOML and I are getting married in April. While there isn't much we're having to do this moment, planning is always at the back of my mind. There are things that need to be taken care that are coming up as time goes on. I feel bad that it is on the back burner in some ways comparatively. I just took the boards for geriatrics in mid-November, and yet am already having to think about boards for hospice and palliative medicine. The number of things to be done for fellowship feel like they keep increasing. Then there's the job search. I have completed several interviews, including one today. I loved the few programs I looked at. I am excited about some of the possibilities. I am always worried that I will not be able to meet the goals I set for myself or attain the perceived expectations of others. I want so badly to do well, and am worried that I will hold myself back due to my low self-confidence. While writing it out here makes it seem like far less I have to balance, I feel like there's more I'm carrying around. There's likely the component of self-doubt that is included in this. Am I really ready for all these responsibilities? Will I be able to do everything effectively? Will I be able to grow into the role like I need to? Will I be able to admit when I need help or if I am floundering? Will I be able to become more assertive? Will I be able to move on as faculty from being the learner? Will I be able to relax at some point? The list of questions goes on and on.
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