Over the years, I have become more and more of an anxious person. I think, in part, due to the fact that the stakes get higher the further along in training I get. My actions do not effect me alone. They effect sometimes many, many people. While as a physician, I am still fallible, I don't know that everyone else remembers that. There is a different level at play. My mistake or bad day could potentially cost someone their life. Along with carrying the weight of the lives of the patients I care for, there's also the educations of the students, residents, and fellows I work with. It's more than just me. I'm still in awe that I am even in this position. I'm not sure what I did to deserve the ability to have my dream career. I worry on a regular basis that I am not going to be able to do what everyone thinks I'll be able to do. It's like watching college athletes move on to professional sports careers. Some excel and are the start players on their teams, and some peter out, ending up on the D-team. I wish I knew if there was a way to tell who would become which player and whether a similar algorithm could be used for other careers. I don't want to let everyone down, and I want to be great at what I do. I worry I won't. I worry I'll be a let down or that I really don't have what it takes. I worry I'll need too much help or not enough or not know when to ask. I worry I won't maintain my energy. I worry I'll let my family down. I just worry all the time about everything (or so I say to LOML)...
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