WHY??

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how open I really think I am, I'm still just as shy as ever.

I have a crush on this guy (for my sake and probably his too, I'm not mentioning names. For the sake of this blog, he'll be known as Guy). So I've never talked to guy because I'm too afraid to. I know that he has chemistry before I do because I see him leave the lecture hall every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I just can't even get up the nerve to say "hi" to him when he walks by because I'm afraid he'll think I'm stupid or something.

I went to the Joan Didion reading at Memorial Hall today. As I was walking back to Parker, he passed me and then walked in front of me until I went into Parker and he headed on to the Law library. I just kept talking to my dad on my cell phone. I couldn't even say anything to him then. I'm destined to spend my time just watching him walk around and pretending that he knows I exist. All I have are dreams of what it would be like to meet him.

Lord, I am pathetic. I don't even know why I'm afraid to say anything. I don't know why I can't even smile at him. I pass him with my iPod on, pretending I don't notice him when I DO! I do notice him. I just think he has the prettiest eyes, a nice body, and he's so serious. And he has a blog, too. I love to read it because it is the side of a guy that you never see. It's like I can see part of who he is by reading it, and there are so many times where I'd like to say something to him. But I can't. I'm too afraid he'll find me out.

But why am I afraid? Where do these irrational fears stem from? Why can't I just walk up to him and by like "Hi. I'm Becca"? There has to be a logical reason for my inability to speak. Me, the girl who seems to have an answer to everything. The girl who will find the answer to everything. The girl who is caught off-guard by her own self. What's up with that? Shouldn't I know myself that well? Is there a reason why I can't find the answer to a simple question like this? Didn't FDR say "the only thing to fear, is fear itself"?

Hmmm...

Monday, Monday...

Today has been kind of relaxing for a Monday. I didn't have English, so I was done with classes at 11. Then, I finished my English paper before lunch. And I got to watch Thelma&Louise. That's a really good movie, by the way.

So, at dinner today, we randomly started talking about Haz-Mat suits, and what they are used for. So, one of the girls was like "I found out that they use them when they are cleaning up spills of really toxic stuff." And the other girl she was talking to was like "So why are they called Haz-Mat? What's that stand for?" And me and my big mouth was like "It stands for hazardous materials." I know pretty impressive. Riiiiiiiight.

I know, I am a science nerd. But I can't really help that.

Chemistry is kind of getting to me. It's all new material, really interesting, but I don't know. I guess it just makes me mad when the professor discusses one topic in class and then puts something competely different in his Webassign homework problems. It's kind of frustrating.

Then there's math. I'm not going to complain about doing infinite sequences for the past two classes, but come on! It's not that difficult. Class is just so boring, and it's so hard to try and stay awake. That really doesn't help especially since this is the most failed class at UNC.

It's a beautiful day...

Coefficient of Friction

Ice skating was so much fun yesterday. And hey, I only fell twice early in the evening. After last night I have a new found respect for figure skaters and speed skaters. Ice skating is not easy, at all.

One of the interesting links that my chemistry professor gave us was an article about ice. It was interesting in the fact that we are in the year 2006, and we still don't understand why ice is so slippery. It is a solid, and most other solids are next to impossible to skate on. You try to skate down the hallway in your hall and tell me how it goes.

It's intersting because it has a high coefficient of friction yet pressure does not effect it. Let me explain...

The coefficient of friction for a substance describes the amount of force that object exerts as you try to slide something across it. The force of friction acts in a direction opposite to the direction in which the moving object is going. This causes the moving object to accelerate backwards (most people would refer to this as deceleration but that is false. Deceleration is simply an object slowing because of an unequal force acting on it in a direction opposite that of its path of movement) and eventually stop unless another force pushes against the force of friction. In most cases, high coefficients of friction mean that it is harder to slide on object across a surface. And even more interesting, the force of friction is proportional to the normal force. The normal force on Earth is simply the mass of the object multiplied by the force of the earth on the object ( this constant is equal to the acceleration due to gravity, or, roughly, 9.8 N/m).

Now, knowing this, we can assume that the more mass an object is, the harder it will be to slide it across an object with a high coefficient of friction. It's like trying to drag a large refrigerator across the room versus dragging a box of books. However, on ice, you are just as likely to slide on the blade of an ice skate as you are in your car. So why is this?

Some scientist refer to the layer of water just on top of the surface of the ice, but this has been refuted because the water layer is too thin to counteract the force of friction. Earlier than that, scientists believed that the force of the blade on the ice caused enough friction to melt the ice a little leting the blade slide across the surface. This has also been discarded as a false hypothesis because the blade cannot create enough pressure to melt the ice enough to cause the blade to slide so easily.

So why can you slide on ice? Perhaps the bonds between the molecules of water in ice are not completely rigid. Both the negative and positive parts of the water molecule come in contact with the blade. As the blade touches the ice it is both attracted to the positive hydrogen as it is repulsed by the negative oxygen. This constant flux would allow the blade to glide forward without being stopped by the force of friction. A wrong hypothesis I'm sure, and it doesn't explain why cars are just as likely to spin out on ice, but it sounds like a fun idea.

The Middle

I did it! I survived another Wednesday. Another day of chemistry lab is over. Now the hard part begins. The Lab Report and Learning device for next week. I have found that I'm the opposite of everyone else who takes chem lab. I always bomb the learning devices and do decently on the labs. I guess that's because I spend more time on the lab reports than I do on the learning devices.

Anyway, I've made it through the first set of grades for this semester. I'm okay with them, but I'm not pleases. I mean, i have nothing to complain about compared to some people I'm sure, but I just know that I can do better than I am doing right now. I have to do better. To get into medical scool I need at least a 3.7 gpa each year. I'm not going to lose that because I let a calc II and chemistry class bring me down!

Other than that I'm surviving. I'm looking forward to going ice skating on Friday! I've been in a winter sport mood all week. I wonder if the Olympics have anything to do with that??...

I'm off, it's past my bedtime, and my fingers are no longer working like they are supposed to.

Feed My Addiction

Today, the internet went down here in Chapel Hill. When I say down, I mean there was no connection anywhere on campus. And I realized how much I'm dependent on my internet connection. Like, really dependent. As in, "send me to rehab, I think it's an addiction."

So here is a list of what I need my internet connection for:

1. AIM. I can't keep intouch with all my friends for free any other way.

2. Email. If I don't have that, I miss out on things oncampus. I can't get chem lab DataStudio files to the people I need to get them to. It's a royal mess when the email is down

3. AOL. I have to check that email too. That's where all the housing emails go.

4. News. How else am I going to keep up to date on what's going on at the Olympics? Watch it? No, I turn it on as background noise while I'm doing homework. Besides, the halfpipe is over, and Shaun White's back in the US.

5. Blogging. No internet, no blog. Enough said.

6. Facebook. I can't look at other people's crazy pictures without facebook!

7. Webassign. Actually, I don't think I care about this one that much. I can do without Webassign. It's annoying.

So there is the beginning of the list of reasons for why I'm addicted to the internet.

A Rose has Many Thorns...

Rose had never really liked Alex. Or at least she never let on that she did. Every day she would walk into class and sit down next to Alex without even looking at him. She outwardly rejected him, and he knew it yet he always tried to be nice to her.

Alex always thought of Rose as the most beautiful girl in their class. She had long, straight, corn-silk hair. She always wore it half-back so that it wouldn't get in her eyes as she read in class. And her eyes. He loved her eyes. They were the most intriguing shade of green, like the color of the jungle green crayon in the 24 count Crayola crayon box. He loved watching her read as her eyes slowly moved from one side of the page to the next. He would follow her eyes as she read so that he hardly ever read his own book. He knew that it drove her crazy, but he couldn't help it.

Why is he always watching me? Rose thought. She could feel his eyes on her, but she would never look up. She could never look up because she knew that if she did she would fall in love with him. That couldn't happen. Not ever. She couldn't be caught dead with him. He couldn't afford the types of presents her boyfriend had better buy her. Besides, dating down in the socio-economic heirarchy was tacky in her mind.

She couldn't stand the fact that he was so prefect. He was so kind to everyone. He was so handsome. From his messy, almost black hair to his unwavering blue eyes. He was amazing. And so athletic. Of all the guys in the class, he was the most built. Not like those who tried to build their muscles, but like those who were just naturally fit. He was tall and lean and you could see every muscle perfectly defined through his skin as if it had been etched in marble.

I want her to look at me. I want her to see me. Alex always prayed for what he knew would never happen. He was poor. he knew he was poor. Everyone in school loved to put him in his place. He knew that Rose was rich, and that no one there would let him get close to her. He just wanted to say "hello" to her and look into her gorgeous eyes.

He wasn't there to fight the losing social battle, though. He was there for his brilliance. He could do anything. He would one day be named the greatest, and then he would have a woman by his side who loved him for all that he was. And he knew for a fact that that woman would not be Rose. He just liked to watch her eyes during class.

I know, not one of my better works. I apologize.

Mi Fin de Semana

It has been a good weekend. I had nothing planned. I lived through the weekend one minute, one second, at a time. I loved it.

This weekend, there was no stressing about having to get things done in a scheduled order or time. There were no events that I had to go to. I got all the work done that I wanted to. I got to do some fun things. I even got to get a normal amount of sleep.

Sometimes you need weekends like this. Sometimes you need no expectations. Sometimes you need to feel like there isn't any pressure on you.

I'm not saying that I don't like having things planned for the weekends. I do like having plans. I like to try new things on the weekend. It's just that sometimes, I like to not have to plan for anything.

A Summary of What I Learned this Week

I'm keeping it short tonight because I don't have much to say.

What I do have to say is this:

1. Watching cute romantic comedies with your best friend is the greatest form of stress relief and a whole lot of fun.

2. The only person you have to answer to is yourself.

3. Sharing information and stories with people is good. Sharing too much is bad and could quite possibly get you into trouble.

4. Don't let others make decisions for you. Don't try to make all your decisions based on what others think you should do.

5. BE YOURSELF 100%. You are the only one who has to live with the decisions you made for the rest of your life.

Good Night everyone!

Life has Taken a Turn for the Darker Side

Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the entire world on my shoulders and that I've dropped it. I feel like I'm always letting people down. That I'm unreliable. That I've upset someone without meaning or wanting to. It's so hard...

But who do I let down more: everyone else or me?

I know that that sounds self-centered, but I get so caught up in pleasing everyone else that I forget about the person I have to live with until the day that I die. I don't want to upset my friends. I don't want to upset my family. I want to be what people expect of me.

I'm supposed to be self assured. I'm supposed to know exactly what I want out of life. I'm supposed to be dependable. I'm supposed to be a good student. A good big sister. A good friend. A strong shoulder to lean on. But am I any of these? Can I be all of these at once and still be able to go to sleep with myself at the end of the day?

I just feel like I'm not being the best that I can be. I'm second guessing what I want to be in life. I'm letting down my friends and family. I'm unsure of who I am and who I should be, want to be. I can't remember which way is up or how to take a few good steps forward without stumbling and falling. I just don't know any more.

All I feel like doing is curling up under the covers and pretending the world doesn't exist. I want to be back in pre-school when all that mattered was that you got to color with your favorite crayon and when snack time was. I want the answers to be easy.

Why aren't the questions ever easy to answer any more?

The Ties that Bind

It's Wednesday...

I survived...

Two more days to the weekend...

This week has been crazy. Monday, my friend and I decided to opt out on the UNC Dance Marathon. Neither of us are very good around crowds when we are tired. We could make it through all of he standing, but not the 848 other people that would be there with us. I don't know. Part of me would like to make it, and it feels like I'm letting people down by not staying through the 24 hours. The other part of me knows that I would be a social disaster and a complete bitch once I reached my boundary.

But how will I ever know my boundaries if I never push beyond them?

Sometimes I just feel like doing aomething wild and crazy. Something that isn't me at all. A part of me would like to go out and party, but the other part of me knows that I'm not a heavy drinker. I think my problem isn't with my drinking habits though. I think it's the fact that all I've ever heard are the horror stories. The down-side of having parents that are both in the medical field is hearing about what all can really hurt you. I know that I'm not goin to go out and get really trashed one weekend, but does that mean that I should competely avoid that scene all together?

I think sometimes I'm too much of a home-body. I get in a rut and don't ever want to get out. I feel like all I have to do is the minimum to get by. But that way, you miss out on life. I want to push the envelope. I want to break through the boundraries that I've set up. I want to experience all the parts of life, both good and bad. I want feel like I've experienced everything!!

But maybe I should take it one step at a time...

Maybe there are some things I'm not ready for...

Would the people in my life be ok with the decisions I do decide to make? What would my parents say if I went to a frat party? Are my parents perceptions of me the one boundary that is holding me back from some of the things I haven't done?

I don't know...

Musings for the middle of the week...