Spirituality

I have been thinking a lot about spirituality and the interconnectedness of every living creature.  One of the things that I have been thinking about is "why me? why this?" especially in relation to my career and what I do everyday.  I was talking to a colleague about how so many times I am in awe and completely humbled by how the people under my care or so willing to open up and let me into the most intimate moments in their lives.  People share their worries and fears, their greatest hopes and the wonderful lives they've shared together.  I become a thread in their life tapestry, and am the guide through their last moments on Earth.  It is absolutely incredible that I am allowed into these spaces with these people who I am a complete stranger to.

And, they trust me to the point where some want to confer with me on incredibly huge decisions for their loved ones before they make the choice.  This was especially poignant for me in a recent encounter where I had really only spoken with the family on 2 occasions for less than 10 minutes each, yet when they were asked by another team to make a big decision for their loved one, their first thought was to ask for my guidance.  They trusted me enough, even in those few moments we had talked previously, to request my recommendation.  They had faith that I would help them reach the best possible decision for their loved one.

So many times I want to look at the people I am talking with and say, "do you realize that I have only been doing this on my own for 9 months?".  Yet, that falls into the category of proclaiming my step or shelf or board exam scores.  In that moment, they don't care.  They don't care that sometimes I still feel like I am a baby, that I am just learning how to walk and talk.  They don't care about my insecurities.  They care that I show up, I am there for them, I care about them and their family members, and that I am honest and kind.  As the saying goes, most of all kind.  

Many times over the last two years I have wondered if this is really what I am supposed to be doing, if I really have the intestinal fortitude to be a doctor.  And then I have days like today.  Days where I truly feel like I am where I am supposed to be, caring for the people I am supposed to care for.  I was set on the path of these people's lives for a reason, and they were set into mine.  We are each adding a thread to each other's life tapestry.  Because of that, our tapestries are connected and more beautiful for it.  Even if I am meeting that family at their darkest moment, I am the safe haven where they can drop their guard and let me be the strong one for a moment.  I am the one who listened.

Many times I wonder about what would have happened if I had ended up somewhere else other than where I am today.  While I can imagine I would still be successful and know the people I care for would be equally well cared for by someone else, it would have been different.  I am still exploring my spirituality.  I do know that I was set on this Earth to be with the people I am with, do the job I am doing, and because of that, I am there for the people who most need me when I am supposed to be there.  Even when those cases stick to my heart permanently, I learn to dance with the limp and use that growth to provide for others.  As harrowing as the cases can sometimes be, I still cannot imagine doing anything other than what I am doing today.  I have one life to live, and know I am living it with using my gifts for the purpose they were given to me.  I am forever thankful for this opportunity.