The last six months of work have been a roller coaster. I have had periods of feeling like I'm really making a difference and periods where I feel like an impostor. I have been told on several occasions to just get over my impostor syndrome, that everyone feels this way, and there's no reason why I need to feel this way. I have felt like few of my own family even understand the emotional strain of what I do, and there is family who really doesn't understand what I do. I feel like I am immature, that I can't stand up and fight when I need to, I'm too much of a people-pleaser, and I can't get out of my own head enough to help others.
Then there are times where I really feel like I helped a patient, even if it was only to hear them out. I have sat by people, cried for people, listened to people vent. I have been the person others turn to for support, and celebrate the small victories with. I have helped streamline communication between the patients and teams. I have come up with ideas for education. I have built a new curriculum for narrative medicine. I have taught residents about what I do. I have turned to the people I work with to help me. I have learned that I am not always a lone wolf. I have stood up for myself when I need to. I have been a team player.
Today, I feel like I have not done any of the things in the second paragraph, and have fallen into the first. I feel like I made communication worse rather than better, even though I had only met the patient once, and never met the other family. I have taken the fall for miscommunication I didn't realize existed. I feel like I haven't been as professional as I need to be. I have acted immaturely and been scolded for it. I feel like I'm not really ready to teach fellows since I'm only six months out from fellowship. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I can't seem to make anyone feel better, and seem to only make people feel worse. While part of me knows this is a gross over-exaggeration from the events of today, I beat up on myself for feeling like I've messed up. While most people would have looked at what I did and call me normal, I hold myself to unattainable standards. I need to cut myself some slack.
I had been so calm and had just enough confidence to be able to carry on without falling apart at every negative encounter. Today was one negative encounter after another. There was no stopping. I got caught in the rip current of negativity, forgot to swim with it, and was swept out into the ocean to drown... or be eaten by sharks.
I feel like the moment I start to feel like I am settling in, finding my groove, on good standing with the rest of my team, the sand shifts and I realize there wasn't actually solid ground underneath me. Sometimes I wish that I had a lower stakes job, that I wasn't as driven to go into a career that required other to depend on me as part of their healthcare team. I wish I believed that I was really cut out for this. I wish that one day of constantly feeling like a disappointment didn't knock me down to zero so quickly. I wish my self-esteem reserve was deeper and more full. Instead, I crumble the moment I feel like I've done wrong by a patient or their family or have let them down. Even if I am not the direct reason for the letdown. Even if I am not the one fully at fault. Even if I'm working against a disease that is robbing a person of their essence. Somehow I am supposed to take away from their oppression, not add to it. I feel like I added to people's issues, not took some of the pressure away today.
I beat myself up over every little thing. Every word I say. Every recommendation I give. I feel like a failure when I think I did things wrong. I feel like I am the only person who ever flubs up an encounter. I don't know the right words to say. I don't have anything to provide to alleviate the physical pain. I don't even know how to sit in the emotional or existential pain anymore. I feel like I have nothing to offer, and anything I do offer is wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and I can pick up the pieces so the patients don't see my lack of self-esteem...
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