The End Before the NEW Beginning!!!

Well, I made it. I got through my jaw surgery, and it's all pretty much down hill from here. The worst part for me is the fact that I'm very limited in what I can eat. You try eating just Jell-O and Boost for a week and see how you feel. But at least now I can have oatmeal and mashed potatoes and soups and stuff like that. I will survive. Thank you to everyone who sent their love and support. I really appreciate your thoughts and love. I'll try to keep posting updates and other stuff throughout the summer, but it may slow down once I start working over at the pool. Though hopefully by the time I start working I'm not so swollen. At least the doctor said most of the swelling was due to my wisdom teeth being removed and not the actual jaw surgery. Oh, and how cool is it that I now have titanium plates in my lower jaw. I think it's totally cool that I can see them in the X-rays. The plates are about 1 1/2 inches long, and they are holding my lower jaw bone in place while the new bone regrows. Once I'm completely healed, the bone will have grown over the plates which are going to be a permanent part of my jaw from now on. Totally cool stuff.

BAH!!!

I am so frustrated with the Health Science Theme Housing it's not even funny. I'm not even living there, and I'm beginning to dread it a little. They seem so disorganized. First, we were supposed to hear about our room assignments by the beginning of Spring Break. It is now the end of the semester. The end of the school year. The beginning of summer. And still no word on a room. I'm not even sure if I have a room in Carmichael. I certainly hope I do. I'm not exactly thrilled with the prospect of having to live off campus or in Hinton James. I just wish that the student coordinators would get their act together and get the rooms assigned. It's not that difficult. A deaf, dumb, and blind chimpanzee could assign us our rooms. It's absolutely ridiculous, especially since they had about five people leave and five new people come in. It's ridiculous! RIDICULOUS!! I was hoping to get to know my roommate before we moved in, in August, but it's not looking that way. Heck, I'll be lucky if I even have a room by the time I move in. OOOOOoooooo...I am so frustrated with the whole housing thing I don't want to even deal with it right now.

THEY!

They say rainy days are good for studying, but I got two things to say about that. One, who is this they, and what do they think they know?? Second, rainy days are good for sleeping and watching TV. Unfortunately, I can't watch TV because I don't have one at the moment. And I can't let my self take a nap because I have to wake up early for an exam tomorrow. My last exam. That's the greatest part of the whole thing. It's the last exam I have to take for almost four months (give or take about a week). I love it...

Grades...

Grades, actually, GPAs drive me nuts. I hate how so much is hinged on them, and I hate being a perfectionist. I hate being disappointed because I don't make the grades I want. The thing is, on average, I'm not doing too shabby. My grades aren't bad, but they aren't as good as I think I should be getting. I feel like I'm letting myself down by not doing as well as I wanted. But, like I said, my grades aren't bad. As of right now, Here are the final grades I've gotten:

English: A
Chemistry: A-
Media Criticism: B+ (I think)

These aren't bad. With these grades I have a semester GPA of a 3.667 and a cumulative GPA of 3.787. That's not bad, but I feel like I could have done better. I feel like somehow I slacked off and that's why these grades aren't all A's. I forget that this isn't high school anymore. I forget that they don't round grades in college like they did in high school. Believe me, there was an outrageous amount of rounding and curving in high school. Plus, in high school, you can get a GPA greater than 4.0. And, GPA isn't that big of a deal in high school as it seems to be here. Your academic eligibility hinges on your GPA. It's maddening. Especially for perfectionist who push for all A's. Classes here aren't easy.

I just wish I could do better...

Fightertown USA

"You never close your eyes
Anymore when I kiss your lips"

"I feel the need, the need for speed"

"I'm too close for missles, switching to guns."

"You're dangerous, and foolish..."

"You can be my wing-man anytime."

"Working on foreign relations. I gave him the bird."

I love Top Gun. Such a good movie. Too bad my copy at home got eaten by the tape player. I absolutely love the flight scenes. There is no way I could ever get into a fighter plane, but I love watching those scenes. Fascinating. And I love the fact that the deck of an aircraft carrier doubles as a runway for the planes. How cool. How cool.

So I got to go up on the deck of the USS Yorktown. It was probably the neatest thing in the world for me, and I would love to go back and see it again. I am totally fascinated by the aircraft carriers, the cruisers, yep, even the subs although they make me a little more claustrophobic. I just am fascinated by how...efficient they are. I love them..so cool.

So yeah..that's my rant for the day...night...whatever :)

Oh dear...

Yes, I have a problem. Ok, not anything too terrible, but an issue still the same. I think I may have accidentally led a guy to believe I was interested. Unfortunately, I think he's a cool guy, but I just am not romantically interested or interested in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him. I'm not really sure how to get this across, so right now I'm just being nice but distant. Is that worse than being blunt?

Anyway, my problem also lies in where/who my heart is truly for. There's a guy that I have been in love with since I was in 4th grade. Yes, 4th grade. I've never stopped loving him. He may have been slightly aloof during middle school, but I always loved him. I moved between 9th and 10th grade, but I could never forget him. We didn't talk or see each other for about 3 years, but I still love him. I can't stop. There's just something so intriguing about him that keeps me in love with him. We talk on AIM when the Navy doesn't have him completely bogged down with work. He's so nice and sweet. I love him. Love him, love him, love him. I can't help it. This feeling has been a part off me for so long that it's too great for me to even describe in words. I don't want to though. By attempting to put such feelings into words, you limit their meaning and power. I don't want that. I want it to be a limitless, indescribably good feeling like it is.

The thing is, I don't know if he feels the same way. I mean, I feel like he enjoys talking to me. I think he enjoys my company, but I don't know how strong his emotions for me are. Until I get the nerve to ask him, I can't give my heart to anyone. I would feel like I'm cheating on him. Even though he knows nothing of this love I carry for him. I am too committed at this point to this love I carry for him. Until there is some break, a let down, until he tells me what he truly thinks and feels for me, I can't give away my heart. I'm too afraid now to ever let go...

Boys are Maddenning

Boys are the most annoying, frustrating, unnerving creatures on the face of this Earth. And I'm mad at one of them right now. He is so immature. Actually, he's one of a few immature guys I know. He just happens to be the one making me mad right now.

Anyway, he was all nice and sweet to start out. That was about a month ago. Yeah...that didn't last long. I turn around, and he won't talk to me. He practically won't acknowledge my existence. And he needs to grow up. Asking a lot, but frankly I'm impatient, and I'm not wasting my time on someone who just doesn't seem to give a damn about anyone but himself.

I'm sick and tired of being let down by the guys that come in and out of my life. I have yet to meet one that truly makes me feel happy without constantly second-guessing everything he says...Alright, that's not entirely true, but it feels like that right now. Why does it always turn out this way? I mean, I spend so much time thinking it's my fault that it all goes wrong. I feel like I'm the one who made a wrong move or said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Like I'm completely clueless when it comes to guys. Actually, I probably am, but whatever. The point is that it's as much (or mostly) related to the guy's immaturity.

I feel like a lot of the guys I know just want to get as many girls as they can. It's a competition. The one with the most wins, and he gets bragging rights. I mean, it's probably not entirely true, but it just feels that way. I can't stand it.

The Forest of Dreams

Standing in the woods
The nymphs whisper my name.
Calling me into the cool darkness
Of their beloved home.
Following,
Following...
Faster,
Faster.
Spin and twirl.
Glide and dance.
The nymphs take me
Into the center
Of their world.
And then leave.
They leave me
Alone in the darkness.
Alone, where my thoughts
Of you reside.
Alone, where I am consumed
By the very thoughts I adore.
And you are there.
You are there in my heart,
My mind,
My very innner core.
And I can touch you:
Your sweet, soft lips,
The white skin of your forearm.
And I can feel you:
Your peircing, intense eyes
Boring through my protective barrier
To see into the most private corners
Of my heart and spirit.
And you know me.
And through the darkness
and the fear,
I come to know you.
A god, placing me
On a swiftly tilting pedestal.
Will you let me fall?
I do not know.
Will you let me land
On the shards of glass below?
I hope not.
Will you lift me into your arms?
Will you hold me to your chest?
Will you carry me away
Into the secret realms
Of the most beautiful place there is?
I can only pray.
For my love for you
Only knows the boundaries
Created by fear itself.
And my heart only beats
To the rhythms
Of the new born Earth.

Hmmmm...

I don't know why I'm beginning to worry about this again, but I feel like I've been played. I mean, this guy comes on to me, and now I feel like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And I know that I'm reading into this too much, but that's what I do. It's in my nature. But really, does he come on to every girl like he came on to me? Was it just a fling for him? I mean, what's really and truly going through his head. I know, I know...the only way to find out is to ask. But do you know how hard that is?? "Hey! How ya doin? So I was wondering, do you treat every gilr you meet the same way you treated me? You know...come on to her, and then leave her to fend for herself?" I mean, does he realize what goes through my head? Does he realize that I worry about him? Does he realize that I want him to know that I'm interested in what he does in the things he's interested in? Frankly, I'm not like wasting away because he doesn't pay me any attention any more. I'd just like to know what he really thinks of me...a month later...I mean, does he ever think about me? Do I still make him smile? Does he know that I care about him, even if he drives me crazy and makes me mad sometimes? Does he even care?

Bah...someones going to read this and think I'm nuts. They're going to think that this guy has taken up my entire life. The thing is, I'm fine during the day. I do all my work. I never miss a class. I don't think that my grades suffer because of him. It's only when I go to sleep at night. I have no troubles sleeping. It's just that sometimes, when sleeps being a little more elusive than usual, my thoughts will run away with me. My subconcious takes over. All these feelings I do so well locking away during the day come out. I'm a worrier. I worry about my friends and my family. Most of my worry is devoted to my brother and sister and my closest friends who need help whether they realize it or not. I just worry...again, it's in my nature. I'm a motherly type. I want to be able to take everyone under my wing and prove to them that they are worth it. I want to support them, and I want to help them attain their dreams. But then I also have to remember that there are some things that I can't do...

That was a bunch of rambling. I'm not going to go through it. Just take it for what it's worth. I care about this guy, but I don't know what he thinks about me. That's the jest of the entry.

I care about him...

But I don't know what he thinks about me...

Silence

I'm not really sure what I'm in the mood to write right now. I have a headache thanks to studying chem (or the large amounts of chocolate I've eaten in the past week, but here's hoping it's really the chem studying that's causing the pains). I'm really looking forward to the weekend and hoping I'll be able to relax a little bit. Though, who knows what's going on this weekend. I don't. Maybe something exciting, but then again, I'm really not all that exciting a person. I feel so boring sometimes. And stupid. I actually feel really stupid in my media criticism class because everyone in there has taken way more comm classes than I have. They can bring this knowledge into the discussion, and since I don't know much about anything comm/media related I stay pretty quiet. In fact, I don't think I've talked all that much since the first day of class. I had to give a presentation today with one of the guys in my class, but I didn't even talk all that long then. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to make an ass of myself, and being a freshman in a class with maybe two other freshmen in it, that's a little scary. So I stay quiet. That's just who I am. If I know nothing about a subject, I stay quiet. Enough said. And on that note...that's enough for tonight. I'm tired and achey and want to go to sleep...