The most powerful one person can do for another is to listen. Yet listening is more difficult than talking. One can talk without saying anything. The gab can come without thinking. It can be as mindless as eating or breathing. It can fill up time without providing any importance to the activity. One doesn't have to work at talking. But in order to listen well, one must be active in the exercise. Good listening is work. It's not thinking about what you want to say, but rather what the other person is saying. It's determining the meaning and emotion behind their words. When your own emotions are high, it makes it more difficult to set aside what you want to hear what the other has to say. Sometimes, it can illuminate the point of disagreement as a simple misinterpretation. One meant one thing while the other thought something else. In listening actively and responding to the emotions, it can level the playing field and build the trust bond. It is not easy. It is something that I am still working on. I tend to be able to listen to my patients better than my loved ones. Active listening, that is. I think because it is part of the training for being a physician. We are taught that good physicians are good active listeners. Sometimes, when tired and emotionally drained from a long day at work, it is hard to carry over those skills. We want so desperately to have the people around us be the active listeners so we can unload the baggage of the day. Perhaps the approach we should take is that of The Trouble Tree so we can continue to be active listeners for our loved ones. In turn, it might help them learn how to be active listeners for us.
The Trouble Tree
The carpenter who was hired to help a man restore an old farmhouse had just finished his first day on the job and everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. First of all, on his way to work he had a flat tire that cost him an hour’s worth of pay, then his electric saw broke, and after work his old pickup truck refused to start.
His new boss volunteered to give him a lift home and the whole way to his house the carpenter sat in stone silence as he stared out his window. Yet on arriving, he invited his boss in for a few minutes to meet his family. As they walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When he opened the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was one big smile as he hugged his two small children and kissed his wife.
Afterwards, the man walked his boss to his car to say thank you. Now on their way out of the house, the boss’ curiosity got the best of him so he had to ask the man about the tree on the front porch. He said, I noticed when you came up on the porch before going into your house you stopped and touched the tree, why?
“Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied. “I know I can’t stop from having troubles out on the job, but one thing’s for sure – my troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is,” he smiled, “when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, they aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”
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