School is in Session

I'm back at UNC now and starting my sophomore year. It's a little bit bittersweet because I'm so happy to be up here, but a tthe same time I know that I'm that much closer to being a senior and out of here. I don't want to think about it. I have so much that I feel like I need to be doing up here.

I have 15 credit hours I'm taking this semester. CHEM 241, CHEM 261, BIOL 202, ENGL 131, and PHYC 40A. I really like all of the profs that I've had so far. I love genetics; I actually think that I'm not going to mind organic all that much. I love, love, love my poetry writing class. I think that that will probably end up becoming my favorite class this semester. I love my prof for analytic, but I'm not so sure about the class itself. I know it's not going to be an easy course. I know that the lab will be time consuming, but I'll make it through. I think that this may end up being my hardest semester this year. i know I'll be taking more class hours next semester, but the classes will be mostly biology with only one chemistry class and of course my poetry writing class. I'm going to try and take a PE class next semester too. I really want to get into beginnner's tennis, but we'll see how that works out. If not that, then I'll probably end up doing a lifeguarding course or maybe even a self defense course, but we'll see how that all works out.

I absolutely love my roommate this year. She and I have so much in common even though she's a senior and I'm only a sophomore. She is so friendly, as is the rest of her family, and she really is very respectful. I was so afraid after last year that I would be miserable again this year, and that she wouldn't want to have to deal with me because I was younger than her. But it hasn't been that way at all. We talk all the time, and we both love to laugh which is fabulous because you can't get through life without a good laugh every once in a while. We both love to watch movies. We are both very family oriented, and we both spend a lot of time on our studies. She is getting ready to go on to grad school after she graduates. I'll be getting ready for a slightly more relaxing junior year at UNC (hopefully). I'm just glad to have a roommate that actually talks to me and doesn't act like I'm constantly invading her space.

Sigh of Relief

You know, yesterday I was in a pretty foul mood. I wanted to be angry at someone because I thought they had done me wrong. But today, I feel just so much happier. I talked to the guy about the event. I apologized for coming across too forward, and he apologized for leading me on. In the end, I still have a friend and someone I can talk to so openly with. I realized that at this point, all I really want, and need, at this point is a friend. I don't think I've ever had a guy friend where I wasn't afraid to be so open. I'm glad that I have someone that I can be open with, without the constant worry of expectation. You know, like the expectation of something more coming out of the relationship. We're just friends. That's all I need, and that's all I want. Right now, I am perfectly complacent, and it's a good thing.

I'm at Fault

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

That feels better. And you know what? I have absolutely no reason to be upset over a guy who I obviously meant nothing to, and frankly he means nothing to me. See, I thought this guy meant something to me. I thought he really liked my company, and it seemed that he did...for a while. But I'm sure I got too boring for him or something dreadful like that. It went from a 50-50 split on calling to a 85-15 split me calling him to him calling me. I should have known then that it was soon to be over, but I didn't want to see the bright flashing neon sign in my face.

Well, the sign finally fell on me this morning at exactly 9:22 AM. See, last week this guy and I kind of, sort of hinted at a...dinner or something together, and I had the poor judgement to get my hopes up. So yesterday, he and I planned on doing lunch together today (Wed.). He would come by my house and pick me up at noon, and we'd go somewhere to eat. Well, this morning, I'm awaken by my phone vibrating, and having the sick premonition that it was this guy calling off our lunch. But I still wanted to be hopeful being the optomist that I am.

me: hello
him: hey...we need to talk (oh God, not those 4 words that anyone who's anyone dreads to hear)
me: what's up?
him: Well, last night I was with one of my friends and one of his friends. And we stayed out late, and sort of hit it off (as in him and this mysterious, obviously female, friend of a friend)
me: ok...
him; I just wouldn't think it would be fair to you if we went to lunch today, so I think we shouldn't go...
me: ok...that's fine (what the Hell was I thinking? it's too early in the morning to tell...)
him: well...bye
me: bye
him:...click

So am I at fault? Was I too forward to have gone down yesterday and made plans for the lunch that never happened? Should I have stopped calling him when he stopped calling me? I just feel like I'm the one at fault. I always get told that I'm being too forward. That I'm scaring the guys away. That I need to let them make the move...The thing is, I've always been independent. I've always been the type to persue something I want. If I weren't that way, I wouldn't be doing what I am doing today. I guess I'm supposed to get the hint that I'm not ready for a boyfriend? I don't know...I feel like I could handle one. Granted, with the classes I'm taking right now, something (whether it's the classes or the relationship) would end up suffering. I just wish that I could end up keeping some guys as just friends, too. I just feel like everytime I meet guys, I alwasy end up losing them, even as friends. That at the end of the...whatever...they hate me, and I'm left to fend for myself. Is it a maturity issue? Is it me? I just don't understand how I can go through guys like runners go through track shoes. I just wish someone would tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. I don't want to keep going on this way...It hurts too much.

Confused

I think I'm being used, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being taken for a trip not knowing when it ends or if I'm going to like what happens in between. So here's the story.

There is a guy that I met down at the pool this summer. He worked at the tennis shop; I, of course, lifeguard. He gets my phone number, and I don't really expect to hear from him. He goes up to summer school for 4 weeks, and I stay here. Next thing I know, we are talking 2-4 times a week. I like talking to him. I really do. I think he's funny. But now he's back for 2 weeks before heading up to college for the fall. I'll call him sometimes and he won't answer, then he'll call later while he's on a date with some other girl. I went to see him yesterday (for about 1/2 hour), and I just can't tell what he thinks of me. I mean, I don't know if he's using me for a laugh with his buddies. I can't tell if he really likes me. He came down to the pool today, and didn't even acknowledge my existence. This is after he calls me at 12:30 at night. I guess he thought I would pick it up, or call him back. Well, I did call him back, at 3:30 this afternoon. Nada. I thought for awhile that we might go out on a date when he got back from summer school. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know what to think of the whole situation. I can't tell if he just likes to think that he has me wrapped around his finger. I don't know, but it's making me mad. I'm tired of it. At least I'll be back at school in 11 days.

Ball of Confusion

I don't know what to do.
What do you do when you like a guy,
But everyone you know says don't trust him?
Do you give him the benefit of the doubt?
Do you wait to see
If maybe he's not really the guy they all say he is?
Do you play his game to a point,
And then let him know that you don't agree
With some of the things he does?
Do you turn and walk away
Not looking back to see if he follows?
Do you try and change him?
Or do you simply put up with what he's got
And let the rest slide?
What are the opinions of others?
Do you trust them
Over him?
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.

Mute

Disclaimer: Although this entry appears to be very negative, I don't actually think this way all the time. I wrote this probably about 2 years ago, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure why I wrote it in the first place. It brings up small motes of remembered emotions of embarassment, but the events behind it have faded into the mire of the past. In other words, the memory is not a life-altering lesson, therefore my brain has forgotten it in order to sustain my mostly positive being...

How easy life would be without such complications as love or communication. If I could hole myself up, I would be more free. Without words spoken I could spread my wings. I am not as perfect as i once thought. Such the conceited person that I am. I speak before thinking. Thinking is but a passing fancy. Who really needs it? Just kidding... It's quite obvious that i need to do more of it. To think of others before myself. To restrain my opinions, my words, my individuality. To stop and conform. For only through conforming can I become the person that everyone wants me to be. I feel so constrained by societal chains. To move is to be electrocuted. To breathe is sin. My opinions cause pain. My fears burn me, leaving me paralyzed. I can't carry on because I don't want to be an accidental murderer. How would they feel to be injured by such a callous person as I? Not surprised, that's for sure. Would the world be better without the likes of me in it? Probably... I can hardly think of that I have touched the lives of anyone. How could I have done that? No one would remember me as anything other than the girl who thought of no one but herself. I have to admit that I am vain! I am self-centered! I am egotistical! I forget that I am not the only person in the world. Who would want to be around someone like me? Who would wnat to love me? Caress me? Who could imagine spending the rest of their life with me? I can't.

By taking to silence, I am forced to think of the words that I show to others. I have to write them down. By writing them down, I am forced to think about them. By thinking, I can berate myself when I speak callously. I don't want people to remember me as being a witch. I don't want to burn people at the stake of my words. Oh, how can I be like this? I hate myself! I'm never free, and my happiness is never true. The silver lining fades. I'm left with the decaying body I've been stuck with. With the mind that's made up before the schedule is set. With the thoughtless cruelty I spread. How much brighter the sun would shine knowing that it wouldn't have to shine on me...

Sometimes I Just Might Be Crazy

I don't know how many times I've said this.
I don't know how many times I will.
But I should never get involved with guys until a certain maturity level is reached. Apparently guys will be friendly to a point.
Then they drop you like you won't get hurt.
Disgusting!
I'm tired of it. I'm not going to go through this anymore.

Boys of Summer

So I'm not really sure where I want to go with this post. Hmmm...

Summer is almost over, and it kind of makes me sad. A part of me wants the summer to be longer, but another part of me is ready to get back to UNC. I love it up there.

The thing is, that for the first time in my life, I talked to a guy on the phone for something non-work related. It felt really good, too. Nothing may ever happen between the two of us, but it was really nice to have my very first normal phone conversation with a guy. There wasn't too much awkwardness. And he picked up the hint and called me. Sure, it required me sending hima text message to give him the idea, but he was the one who took the step and called me. And we talked for half an hour. I didn't even know I could hold a guy's attention long enough to keep him talking to me on the phone for half an hour. I always thought I was just really boring, and had nothing important to say that anyone would want to listen to. Especially when it came to talking to guys, I don't even have a clue as to the first thing to say to a guy to hold his attention. Exciting, self-confidence boosting stuff right there. Makes me happy :)

The Five Factor Personality Profile

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Simply for when you just aren't bored enough to begin with...

Passion

Sing me to sleep
Tonight my love.
I'll give you
My heart impure.
And together we'll fly
To the moon
And stars,
Two fallen angels
In love.