Fear was a running theme today. There was the family that was afraid of their loved one dying and hanging on to every last bit of control they might have over the situation. There was the patient who was afraid of how her mother might do without her once she was gone. There was the fear of admitting that I might have different ideas of the ideal job from what I'd professed even six months ago. There's the fear that my CV and cover letter are not good enough to send out. The fear of rejection. Of not saying the right things at the right times to the right people. There's the fear of not telling everyone flat out what my goals for my career are. The fear of how it will be taken. The fear of being cornered and pushed into doing something I don't necessarily think I want to do right now. The fear of what expense comes with being true to myself. The fear that I won't be supported by my mentors or will looked down on for not choosing what they want me to choose. I am so afraid of not being accepted or being told that I'm turning my back on who I am. I want to feel like I can choose my own path and still be loved for that, even if it's not what others had dreamed up for me. This all compounds the fear that I don't take enough time to do all the work I need to do and haven't studied as much for my boards as I think I should. I base my image of myself on my expectations of myself and am left disappointed when I don't reach the lofty goals. I keep saying I'll do better tomorrow and then tomorrow never comes.
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