We were only forecasted to get 1-3 inches initially. With that knowledge, I went into work today despite the poor visibility, slushy roads, and the fact that I was really only shadowing today. In fact, the main reason I went in was because I thought we were supposed to have a meeting at noon that was canceled at 10 AM. The attending I was supposed to shadow was also unable to come in today. So going into work was a bust, adding in the fact that I couldn't safely drive my car home and had to get a ride. I feel like all I do is complain. I feel like part of that stems from feeling inadequate. I feel like my purpose in life right now is the please everyone else, and I don't think I am doing a good job at that. I feel like I just don't quite make snuff at work, that I am a slacker, or that I am a failure because I'm not meeting expectations. I feel like my family is annoyed by my presence, that I'm not doing things the way they want me to, that I'm just using them. So I do everything I can to not ask for anything from them, and then that upsets them because then I make them feel like I don't need them. I feel like a terrible friend because I constantly prioritize all the things I feel like I need to get done for work before anything else. I am irritable because I'm not meeting any of the expectations I set for myself based on what I think other people expect of me. And then I feel guilty because I feel like I should be beyond worrying about what other people think of me. I feel like I should be more self assured and worry less, but in telling myself I should be that way, I get more anxious because I'm not. It's a vicious cycle that leaves me feeling like LOML is the only person who can stand being around me. I'm probably reaching a point in my life where I should seriously consider getting a therapist to start working through the baggage I cling to like a life-saving flotation device that is actually pulling me under and causing me to drown.
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