I started having recurrent nightmares about being a doctor about a week into med school. It was always the same dream, and I would have it about once a week. It went something like this:
I walk into the exam room. The patient is sitting in the chair, and I introduce myself and sit down across from her. She then starts describing her ailment. She describes a runny nose for a couple of days, post-nasal drip, sore throat. It's a classic history of a URI viral infection, the common cold. But I start panicking. I'm listening to the history, and all I can think is "OMG! I don't know what this is. Can the patient tell I'm completely clueless, that I don't know what's going on with her?" It's absolutely terrifying. All I want is to be able to take care of my patients, and I can't even diagnose the common cold. I want to run out and leave and hide away and just cry. I mean, how can I be a good doctor if I can't even diagnose the common cold? How can I even consider being a doctor if I can't diagnose the common cold?
I would wake up from this dream in a cold sweat and usually crying. It made me feel like if I couldn't diagnose in my sleep, how could I be counted on to diagnose a real person. What kind of people would choose to be my patients if I was such a terrible doctor as to be incapable of caring for someone with the common cold.
Then, over the summer, I had time to sleep, to relax. I had time to not remember dreams. I didn't have my "I'll be a terrible doctor" dreams. It was relaxing. I spent the first 6 weeks of second year sleep deprived. If I had dreams, I never remembered them. Then GI block happened. It's so much more low key. I have time to sleep, lots of sleep. And I started dreaming again. The first dream I remember has already been chronicled, the one where I was called on to save the world. The second one was the newest installment of the "I will become a terrible doctor" dream. It was different, and went like this:
I've already been in the patients room. We've obviously been talking for quite some time, and I've figured out that she has depression. I know I need to prescribe her a an anti-depressant. And that's when I start panicking. I don't know what drug to give her or how to dose it. I'm sitting there in front of the patient, and she and her entire family are staring at me, waiting for the script. I can't write it. I can feel the tears pricking my eyes like hot needles, but I'm trying so incredibly hard to not just start bawling in front of the patient, so I excuse myself. I tell them to go ahead and check out, that I'll bring the prescription to the car. And then it takes all my will power to not just run out of the room. I walk to my desk, and the office manager is there, and I just start bawling. I tell her that I can't do this, I don't know what to do. I tell her I don't know how I got this job if I can't even write a prescription for one of my patients. How can I care for these people if I don't know how to prescribe them the right medications? The office manager looks at me and says, "You can do this. You know what to do, just take a deep breath." And I try that, and somehow I figure out how to write the script. I take it out to the patient, and when I come back inside the office, I see that there are 3 of 4 rooms filled. I feel like I'm doing alright...that is, until I look at the list of appointments for the day, and realize that I'm actually 10 patients behind. The panic begins again right before I wake up...
I don't know why I have these dreams or if they will go on for the rest of my life. I sort of hope they don't because they are absolutely terrifying... I mean, what if I do finish all this up and still don't know what I'm doing? What if I can't take care of my patients? I hope these dreams don't come true...
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