Days 318-330: Silence

I have forgotten to focus on my own self-care recently.  I have spent so much time trying to do so many things, I have forgotten about myself.  I have not exercised.  I have not blogged.  I have not written for fun.  I have not painted, meditated, knitted, crocheted, or sewn anything.  The last thing that resembled self-care that I did was the honeymoon.  Prior to that, it was almost back into February, maybe March.  Even then, it was just exercise for maybe 15-minutes first thing in the morning.

When I don't take care of myself, I don't have the energy for pretty much anything else.  I never feel refreshed.  I don't have the tolerance for BS that I normally do.  I barely have the ability to keep it together for a patient visit.  I lack my normal, bubbly, positive personality.  I can't remember the last time I felt care-free.  I can't remember the last time I didn't care what other people think of me.  I constantly second-guess myself because I don't have the energy to overcome and maintain my self-esteem.  LOML is the only person I feel normal and safe around.  He's the only one that I feel is 100% supportive no matter what the situation.  He is simple in that, as long as we are together, that's all that matters.  Even when I lack the ability to show my love as well as he shows his, he knows that we are a team and supportive of each other.  I love him more than I will ever be able to say or show.

My sensitivity level is way too high right now.  I take any comment or critique that could possibly be construed negatively as such.  The general feeling is that I cannot do anything the way I am supposed to.  Even though it shouldn't really matter what anyone else thinks (so long as I don't cause other people physical, emotional, or psychological harm), I feel like I have obligations I am not meeting.  I want to get to a point where I am not phased by what other people think about me.  I want to not care about it.  Certainly if it is going to cause harm, I would like to know, but otherwise, I want to be able to feel like I have support for the decisions I make.

Days 300-317: Absentee

I have not blogged in a long time.  I haven't had the energy to.  The wedding on April 29th was picture perfect.  The weather was amazing.  It was a full moon.  Everyone is still talking about how much fun they had.  The honeymoon was more than anything I could have imagined.  LOML and I hiked every day, explored the upper part of NC and the lower part of VA.  I can't wait to disappear into the mountains with him again.  It has been tough to try to get back into the swing of things at work.  I am emotionally exhausted from the wedding and it's myriad emotions, the deep relaxation of the honeymoon, and then a week after getting back from the honeymoon, on a plane to my grandfather's funeral.  I thoroughly enjoyed getting to see all my family.  I was glad to get to speak at his funeral when I wasn't able to go to Grammy Lou's funeral.  I got back Sunday, and turned around on Monday to start on the palliative care inpatient consult service.  While I realize from a billing standpoint the attending can bill more if they are with me, but it also doesn't make me feel like I am actually ready for faculty if I have to have the attending with me on everything.  Some attendings are better than others at allowing me to continue to run the conversation, but the particular one that I am with is not.  She is well-meaning, but sometimes she cuts in while I'm still thinking about my next move.  It makes me feel like I look like an idiot to the patient.  I'm sure that's not the case.  It probably doesn't help that I haven't emotionally recovered from the previous two weeks.  I'm hoping I'll be in a better place mentally next week after a weekend off.  Unfortunately, it is my last weekend off until I finish fellowship.  Granted, then I have six weeks to get mentally ready for faculty.  I'm excited and nervous for that time.  For now, to make it through the next week and a half...