Growth

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost. -What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me." -Helen Keller

When I started intern year, everything scared me.  I walked in the first day, logged into the EMR, and immediately developed palpitations about writing my first progress note on my first patient.  It was just a simple note, yet it seemed like the biggest task to make sure it provided the patient's story and problems accurately along with the plan for the day.  What if I missed something?  What if I forgot?  What if I didn't catch everything on the physical exam or missed a lab?  What if I put in an order wrong?  Would it get back to the patient?  It was paralyzing.  It's a wonder I survived the first day and every subsequent day with that burden sitting on my shoulders.  It's an even greater miracle the patient's did.

The miraculous thing is not that the burden has lessened in weight, oh no, it has only grown as the months have gone on.  What's fascinating is how I have adapted, how I have strengthened so that I am able to carry the load with less strain on me.  There are days that the weight seems infinitely heavier, and I feel like I'm floundering.  There are days, too, where I feel like although the weight is there, I am able to manage to carry it successfully.  Exhaustion frequently clouds the picture.  So do insecurities and self-doubt.  Some days I do feel like I'm making strides toward being a full-fledged doctor, but many days, I worry I'm stuck.  Then some days, I feel like I did that first day of intern year.  It's dizzying and maddening.