The Monster Inside

My tachycardic heart beats out of my chest, drumming the steps of a foe far greater than myself. Its muscular body smashes into my rib cage, beckoning my enemy closer, alerting her to my vulnerable position. I cannot stop her. Her slow steps toward me elicit a great sense of fear. Fear of what, you ask? Of nothing and everything at once. She encompasses me, and like the dark waters of a hurricane infested sea, she slowly drags me further from the shore, from my stronghold. I'm swept away in the undercurrent until solid footing is no longer an option. I fight for every breath as if it were my last. Fast shallow breaths that barely fill my lungs. My lifesource is taken away from me. Vertigo combines with the lightheadedness of hypoxia to confuse my senses even more. I am surrounded by a deep, impenetrable darkness. No air increases my already rampant heart beat. The chest pains increase the sensation of foreboding. I'm done for. My head wants to explode, like a bullet passing through an apple. Brains spattering on the tumultuous waters like seafoam. Where is the surface? Where is my drive for self-preservation? When will I break free? My body smashes into the rocks that once provided sure footing. I lie crumpled like paper, broken like a piece of coral. Useless limbs shiver at my sides. Heavy as lead, they aren't my own. My mind breaks free like a thousand stallions in the open fields of midwest. Running together but each its own being. Thoughts. Millions of them. All at once. The tsunami hits and it's all I can do to keep from going back out into the waters that want me to succumb to their forces. Tears bathe my numb face. Make it stop! Silent shout. No one to hear. My own ears are silenced under the rampage of billions of hooves. Each trying to draw me to it. All at once. One and all. I disappear into a corner of my mind. Protection. A hovel feigning cover from the water horses.

Silence

When I finally awaken, I'm surrounded by nothing but utter destruction. Tears of anger, of self-loathing. Why cannot I not stop the storms? Why am I so weak as to not be able to control even myself? How can I carry on, not knowing when the next squall will hit? Do I run the risk of letting someone into my secret? Into the darkness with me? Will we both sink, or will it be my saving grace? Can the storms be silenced by the will of another? Will I still thrive without these intermittent monsoons stampeding through the safety of my world? I am too exhausted from the current blitz to be able to consider the ramifications of letting someone truly know my world. I can only let sleep in for now. Pretend I'm safe in my own bed.